the real inspirations

I'm not a super woman.

Had to put that out there because often I get told that I am an inspiring person. I'm just a woman trying to deal with a bad situation in the only way I know how.

I have bad days. I don't go on my social media and post all about my aches and pains but they are there. Even as I sit here now typing, I am debating which anti-nausea med will work the best today. I tried to get a little bit done in the kitchen but after about 15 minutes I had to sit down because I was starting to feel woozy. I did manage to wash the dishes and they are air drying now.

This shit isn't easy. I have to go day by day and sometimes hour by hour to see how I feel and what I

can actually accomplish that day. Some days are very hard and I cannot do anything. I sleep the day away and hope the next day is better. Other times I am able to do a little housework or go to the store where I use the motorized carts because walking through a big store is too much for me. I get dizzy easily and need to sit because I am constantly fighting against low hemoglobin levels.

When I am having to be stuck by needles over and over because my veins are giving up on me, sometimes I want to scream.
There are many things that I don't complain about because I don't see the point. That doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else. There are a lot of people out there fighting their own battles with cancer, depression, Lyme disease, MS, CP or any number of things. We each have stuff going on in our lives that is a battle to each of us. Some people are not as public about it and that is okay.

I have chosen to share with you a part of my battle with cancer but I assure you, I am not inspiring. My personality dictates my choices and I've always been a fighter who doesn't let things defeat my spirit. There have been other things in my life that I have gone through just as, if not more, difficult as this and I am sure I will see more challenges in the future. Those too, I'm sure, I will face with the same stubborn determination that I have every other obstacle because that is who I am.

The real inspirations are my kids and you all. My children (ages 19,16 and 8) are a constant source of my fight and determination. No matter what a bad or good day I am having, it is them that keeps pushing me forward mentally. The desire to see them grow and become the amazing adults I know is inside them. Also, your support.... all of you who have read my blog, messaged me kind words, given to my fundraiser and generally shown me love and caring through this whole thing. With out you all, I would be much lonelier and scared but you all have been my rocks! You and my kids inspire me every day to keep moving forward and taking things as they come.

So while I cannot tell you what to do and think, I ask that you look to yourselves for inspiration because you inspire me. I'm just a woman trying to get through a rough time in her life the only way she knows how.

Things A Cancer Patient Wants Friends and Family To Know

I thought it was time for me to write a list of things a cancer patient might want their friends and family to know  about their needs.

1. Often we are cold or hot, our bodies change often, please stop complaining if you live with us that

Electric Blanket

 it is too warm or cold for you. Our bodies are under a great deal of stress, please don't put us under mental stress by complaining. Just put on a sweater if you are cold or open a window in your bedroom if you are hot.

2. We do not know how we will feel day to day or even hour to hour, so if we make plans they should be considered tentative at best. Don't tell kids that we will be doing something because younger children have a harder time with plans that have to change the day of or before.

3. People say, "Let us know if there is anything I/we can do for you?". Generally we will say Thank You but never really ask for anything. It is not that we DON'T need something but we don't know how to ask with out feeling awkward. Better if you just do something, we will appreciate both what you do and not making us ask.  HERE is a link to a list of ideas for things that you could purchase for your friend or family member. Other helpful things are gift cards for gas, restaurants, Amazon, Netflix or a store card.

Don't ask, just do because if you wait for us to say something, you might be waiting a good long while! We really will appreciate the help, it is just hard sometimes to ask for it, especially for those who usually are the ones taking care of everyone else.

4. Unless you are someone who spends a lot of time with us and knows our culinary preferences and our family's tastes, don't send food. During cancer treatment, our taste buds can change and make everything horrible tasting or maybe even go away. We won't want to turn down the offer of food because we appreciate it, even if it isn't something we or the family would particularly like. I'm sure you would rather food get eaten, so your best bet is to maybe ask what our favorite snacks or beverage are and send those instead. Also, snacks are something we can take with us for those hours at chemo.

Spaghetti with Red Sauce

5. More about food... usually the doctors we are working with will give us a good general guideline of what they want us to focus on with our diet.  Some days, during treatment, it is all we can do to sip a beverage and maybe get down a few bites. Those few bites might be a corn dog, a lettuce wrap, some chips, a few veggies or whatever tastes okay at that moment. PLEASE, PLEASE I beg of you to not criticize or offer diet advice. We are getting dietary advice from god and everyone. We love the fact that you care enough to offer the advice but we get so much of it, that it becomes overwhelming.

6. Don't stop sharing your life with us. If you are someone who would talk to us about your crappy day before we got cancer, then tell us about it. If you are sick, feel free to share. Just because we have cancer and going through treatment, doesn't mean that your issues are not important to us. Also, listening to someone about their horrible boss or bratty kid or whatever will give us a mental break from our own problems. Much the same reason people watch drama filled talk shows.

Okay, that is all for now... part 2 might come later. If you are a cancer patient or survivor and have any suggestions for things you would love friends and family to know, feel free to email me (brandy) AT energysheep DOT com.

And The Band Played On

It has been a few months since I have written here and I would like to explain. My fight last year with cancer didn't end. It was discovered via CT Scan that I had cancer tumors in my abdominal wall. I had a biopsy to confirm and then surgery to remove the tumors. Six weeks later, after healing, I went to visit my chemo doctor. He said that my CR125 test was very high and he wanted to do a PET Scan. The PET came back and they found tumors in my liver.

This was quite shocking to me and I must admit, rather upsetting.  I asked the doctor how long I have left. He could not give me a time table but said that with remission he has seen people live 10 years or longer and in no way was he saying that I only have 6 months left to live.

The plan for now is to do 3 rounds of chemo and then another PET Scan to see how the cancer is reacting. Obviously, we are hoping it will go into remission and I am keeping a positive attitude that is exactly what will happen and I will have many years left. Of course I have taken time to process the information and even cry to get to that positive attitude but I decided that to keep crying would do no one any good.

I do however have a practical side and am working on putting my affairs in order. I have children and am a single mother, so I have to make sure they will be taken care of in the event that this goes sideways.  I plan to consult with a lawyer in my state to see how much say I will be allowed to have in my will about where and how my children are to be raised. If you are a single parent with a questionable father or mother of your children, it is very important that you know what your rights are and your children's rights. States each have different custody laws and different ages where they will take what the kids want into consideration. If you are in a similar situation, please consult with an attorney.

My children are what I live and breath for and while I take care of the practical side, I also want to spend time with them. I want to build memories for them to look back on and know they were loved very much. One day I won't be here and the memories of me is what they will have to hold on to. I am not worried about buying them things... toys break, interests change, children grow. I want to make gingerbread men, take them to events, string popcorn for the Christmas tree, play games and snuggle up on the couch with popcorn and a movie.

Those are the important things and what my focus is on besides fighting cancer. This is my life and no matter how long that life is, I have my priorities together and know the person I am. Cancer doesn't change who I am, it will come or it will go but the tune of my life goes on.

Cancer and Big Girl Panties

My name is Brandy and I have cancer, it doesn't have me. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer in the Spring of 2014 at the age of 38. I had to have a complete hysterectomy and then went on to chemotherapy and then radiation.

That was a fucking hard time in my life. I tried to get through it the best I could, the way I get through things. I often pushed myself to do things for my kids, to do just a little bit of housework or try to accomplish some projects that needed done. I had no family to help me, no one was coming over bringing meals, no one was here but me and my kids. I had good days and I had bad but no matter what my day was, life kept happening around me. So here I would sit, lay, sleep and do what I could when I could. I knew if I had to run out to grocery shop, I would need time to rest later. I knew if I had a parent teacher meeting in the evening, I would have to rest up during the day. I would try to do as much as I could to still function and feel some semblance of normal.

I tried to keep positive and see all of that as a part of the journey of my life, as something I was dealing with and would overcome. Some days I could do that, other times I cried and felt like crap but one thing always there, always inside me was a fighting spirit. People who knew my journey told me that my attitude was inspirational. That warmed my heart but I wasn't trying to inspire anyone, I was just dealing with things the only way I knew how.

I don't think I am special or unique, I think I just do things the way that is best for ME. Everyone is different and handles situations in their own way. I don't want to be seen as better or worse than anyone else in the way I deal with things. This is MY way and it may or may not apply to others.


I also had great friends that would let me vent my frustrations when I had them. People who, while they don't live close, are near and dear to my heart. If not for them I would have felt a lot more isolated and alone. They encouraged me and believed in me and I was able to draw strength from that as well.

My journey isn't over, I'm on to the next fork in the road. I have two new cancer spots in my abdomen and have to have surgery and then on to more treatment. I am going to try to handle it the best way I can for me. Some days I will want to do nothing but then there is a voice inside me that says "Bitch, put on your big girl panties, suck it up and do something."

As I enter the new chapter in my journey, I hope to be able to balance things as I did before. I know my body will be going through a lot. I will need time to heal from surgery and I will need to rest to let my body fight. I also know that life will keep happening no matter how I feel. My son will still need to go to soccer, I will still have dishes that need done, meals that will need cooked (microwaved at the very least) and the holidays will come and go. I just have to keep organized and be able to fit in as much as possible. I will need to allow some flexibility for my body to get what it needs but I also will have to try to do as much as I can when I can.

You often have to take things day by day or even hour by hour but even the little things you accomplish can make you feel like you have had a victory. It could be just unloading the dishwasher, folding some laundry or even just getting up and getting dressed but each thing you can accomplish while fighting for your life can make you feel like you won a small battle. Give yourself a little cheer when you can get something done but don't get down on yourself when you cannot. Everyone's fight is different and you need to listen to your body and make the choices that are right for you.

Angry Mom With Cancer

I'm angry, I'm really f&*king angry right now. 

This is my body and my life and I accept that I have challenges to go through to fight my cancer. I can take all this and move forward and keep going on with treatment and surrender more time in my life to make sure I have a life.

What I am pissed off about is that my kids have to suffer with me. My 16 year old who asks me 3-4 times a day “Mom are you ok?” or “How are you feeling?” While he is still excited to be able to get a job and take drivers ed in school, he worries about me. He shouldn't have to worry about his mother, he should be able to be the teenager he is and not carry with him the troubles of having a sick mother.

I'm angry because when I do try to do something special, like take them to the Renaissance Faire, we cannot do all the things we would like to do because I am having a bad health day. I push myself to try to make sure they do have some fun but end up leaving early having done only 1/2 the things we would have liked to do.

When my 8 year old asks about doing some activity, I hate saying “We will have to see how I feel that day.” I hate for them to miss out on stuff that young people should be able to do because I am sick.

This is the suckiest part of being a cancer patient. Not what you are going through because when it comes down to it, you get up every day and deal with the sickness and the pain and push on but my kids didn't sign up for that. My kids deserve to be able to be kids and have something close to normal.

I've tried as best I could to still take them places and do things that they want but often they don't get the full experience of whatever we do because I just cannot stand for that long or I am over whelming tired and pushed myself to even get there.

My kids have been amazingly understanding but they shouldn't need to be. They deserve some semblance of normal. I try as hard as I can to do all I can for them and try to make things as normal as possible but mostly it doesn't feel good enough. I push myself when I know I should probably be resting and I know there is no way to prevent the impact of my cancer on my kids but I try to keep it as controlled as I possibly can. I try to find activities to do that will not be as taxing on me but it just doesn't feel good enough.

The 8 year old starts soccer this week. I want to take him to every practice and every game and show him that I will be there for him. Make sure he knows he can count on me. I'm worried though as I will be heading back to treatment how I will manage this. When I signed him up, I didn't know and now I have to make the best of it.

I am angry because I want to be the mom my kids deserve, not the mom who is sick.

Chemotherapy Stock Up List

Going through cancer treatment is hard, chemo was the hardest part for me. I am hoping you can benefit from my experience, so I decided to make a list of things to stock up on to make life a little bit easier during chemotherapy.

If you have to jump right into chemotherapy and don't have time to shop, these are some good items for friends who want to help or even order online and have delivered.


1. Toilet paper. Stock up as much as you can, a 3-4 month supply would be ideal. You really will not want to run to the store when you are having a bad chemo day because you are on your last roll.

2. Paper towels. If you have to clean up anything, you need to do it quick and easy. So stock up on a good quality paper towel. Six to 9 rolls should cover it.

3. A small - medium size bucket. The reality of chemo is that it will make you sick. Sometimes the meds are not enough to keep everything down. Keep a bucket near you.

4. Small trash bags or plastic store bags. (If using store bags, check them for holes) Use these to double line the bucket. If you are going to toss your cookies, clean up should be easy. Even when you are feeling ok, leave the bucket lined wherever you are, stomach upset can come out of no where and just hit you.

5. Paper plates and plastic utensils. Worry about dishes as little as possible. Many people have dishwashers but you still have to rinse and put in, turn it on and put them away when done. For those who hand wash, standing there while sick is not what you want to be doing... stock up.

7. Easy to make food. Often you don't feel like eating and things can taste awful or maybe you will lose your sense of taste all together. So stock up on easy to make items. Frozen dinners, soups, broth mix. If you have time ahead, make and freeze your own soups with great wholesome ingredients. When you do freeze your own, only do 1/2 portions. If you want more you can always heat more up but often you don't eat a whole bunch. Also, don't let ANYONE make you feel bad if the only thing that tastes right is Corn Dogs or Twinkies or some manufactured food. It is hard enough to eat during chemo that we have to eat anything that has some calories in it.

8. Liquids. Water, sports drinks, tea (not green tea because my doc told me that it makes the chemo less effective). Keep yourself as hydrated as you can because it will make it easier to take blood and start IVs.

9. Wedge pillow or extra pillows. If you can manage to incline your upper body, that can help with nausea and a floaty feeling head.

10. Laptop or a tablet. You will spend hours sitting with your chemo drip and there will be days when you really don't have the energy to get out of bed but you cannot sleep either. So have something handy to help with entertainment and staying connected to your friends. Get a movie streaming subscription too, there are plenty to choose from and wherever you get chemo probably has wifi.

If there is any other items that you can think of to stock up on ahead of time, please comment on what helped you.

breath life

Here is my grand thought for today. As I await my CT Scan results, I have thought about life and death and sickness and health. I have decided that we are all going to die someday, there really is no getting around it and none of us know when the moment of our death will be.

I want to live like I am dying. I want to embrace life and try to do all the things I want to do. I have cancer and still I am in the same boat as everyone else, I have no clue when I am going to die. I believe it will be closer to when I am 94 instead of next year but ultimately I have no clue.

I want to work hard every day and make it as full as I possibly can. I want to build my business successfully not to have new things but to have better moments. Having a success business will give me the means to have those moments. I want to be able to support my kids and be able to secure their future and at the same time, give them new experiences to help them develop as people.

So often I see people go through life thinking there is always a tomorrow. They can take that weekend away with their family in a few months. They can spend more time with their kids tomorrow. They can wait on life insurance because they are young yet.

NO... don't wait, do it NOW. Live like you are going to die and make the most of your life right now. Forget about possessions that you cannot take with you. Spend time with people you love. Build that business you have always wanted. Take that weekend away with your family. Spend the afternoon finger painting with your kids NOW. You cannot take that new car to the grave with you, but your friends and your family can have beautiful memories of time spent with them. Your kids can appreciate that you planned for their future even after you are gone.

Having cancer has given me a unique perspective on life. I love life and I want to live as long as possible but I want to live each day like it could be my last and appreciate everything life has to offer.

Take chances, make mistakes, find something you love to do.

Don't just have a life, LIVE. Breath life until the day you cannot breath anymore.

The Battle of Chemotherapy Part 3

Aside from the hair loss, there are other side effects that come with chemotherapy. They can vary by person and by which drug you are taking for your cancer. These are just the ones that I had and How I choose to deal with them.

I was tired from about day 2 after chemo. It was that kind of tired that was your whole being head to toe just really didn't want to do much. I often compare it to feeling like your body is walking through mud, that rather slow motion feeling that you just cannot shake. Around day 4 post treatment, It was more like walking through water, easier but still tired. About day 6 was when I was feeling much better. The only thing that helped a bit for me was stretching, getting up and stretching for about 10 minutes would give me just a bit of energy for a short period.

I still had kids to take care of an a life to live. So I just sucked it up and went to do what needed done. I was at the sporting goods store with my middle child shopping for running shoes, I went to get the same one a new cell phone and I had to get them things to start the school year. Somewhere inside me I just said "Screw you cancer, I have stuff to do." Then after running my errands, I would come home and nap.

Knowing my white blood count was low, I made sure to use the anti-bacterial wipes on shopping carts and carried some in my purse for stores with out them. I also tried to stay further away from other shoppers just in case anyone was out sick.

Another prominent side effect is nausea and vomiting. My doctors gave me 2 long acting meds, Zofran and Compazine and then later on a faster acting short term Ativan. These meds are a god send! I wasn't queezy often as long as I was taking them and I only vomited once when I had forgotten.

Food is another tricky subject. I didn't feel like eating much and when I did, it tasted funny or no taste at all for about 10 days after chemo. I ended up losing about 40 pounds. Everyone you know will offer you diet advice. GMO Free, Organic, Free Range, Gluten Free, Paleo, Vegan, etc etc etc etc. Just thank them for their thoughts and say something like "I will remember to discuss that with my doctor." You get sick of the advice but in your heart you know it comes from a place of wanting you to be healthy, so you deal with it. Then just eat the damn twinky or whatever you can manage to tolerate or might taste not wretched to your chemical filled taste buds. Healthy is always best but if corn dogs and pretzels (or whatever) is the only things that taste good or at least not horrible, go for it. Just get some calories in you in some form.

There are other random side effects that will change from person to person, you might have numbness or tingling in your fingers and/or toes. Yes chemo brain is a real thing. Some people lose finger and toe nails, I didn't lose mine but my finger nails developed ridges.

This is where I will leave off for now... stay tuned for the next battle story.

The Battle of Chemotherapy Part 2

Before cutting my hair to donate.

My hair has always been a source of vanity for me. Right before I started chemo, it was very long and black and shiny. I loved it and knowing I was going to lose it, made me a little sad but I decided that instead of being sad, someone else should benefit.

So I took my hair when it was completely dry and made small ponytails up to my shoulders. I took the scissors and started cutting right above the ponytail holder. I decided that before I lost my hair, I would donate 12 inches of it to help others. It was empowering to know that my loss could help someone else. If you are planning on doing the same, remember to do this when your hair is totally dry because I read that often the donations cannot be used because the hair is damp when cut. When it is sent out over a few days time, the damp hair will mildew and becomes unusable.

After cutting my hair to donate.

After I had the donation hair cut off, I was able to trim it up to a cute chin length bob that had a some long parts in the front. After all I was only 38 at the time and still wanted to look cute and cool.

About 2 weeks after my round of chemotherapy, my hair starting coming out. At first it was about 10-15 strands  when I would run my fingers through it. The by the next day it was more like 50-75 through my brush.

I wanted to take ownership of my hair loss. I have 3 kids and decided to wait for them to be home from school before I did anything because I didn't want them to come home and mom be bald and be all shocked.

After shaving my head.

So that night after dinner, I told my youngest that we were going to cut mom's hair. My two teenagers kinda just shrugged it off and to be honest, it was the 7 year old I was most concerned about anyways. I grabbed my clippers and my little boy and I went into the bathroom and I explained to him that I was losing my hair because of the medicine I was taking and we were going to shave it off. So with him in there with me, I took a #1 guard and started shaving. I took control. The next day I went to a salon and had them shave it down more because it was hard getting the back and they could do it with out a guard on.

I still had some stubble that never completely fell out no matter how much I massaged my head. Some people find it very itchy or uncomfortable and will choose to use a razor to get it all the way off.

One of my ways of having fun with the hair loss was cool wigs. Who says you have to have a traditional color? On ebay and amazon you can find cos-play wigs (from China mostly)

of every color and style. I have previous had nontraditional colored hair in my life so this was not a huge stretch for me. Also, when my eyebrows finally fell out one month after chemo ended, I decided that it was time for me to be artistic. So every day I used liquid eyeliner and drew on some very interesting eyebrows.

I made the choice to make this into a positive thing and have fun with it. I didn't want to be depressed about my hair, so I just took ownership and basically said "Screw you cancer!"

Don't misunderstand me, I did have a sadness about losing my hair. I took a couple of days to feel sad but then I had to suck it up because being sad did not help me keep my hair.

Part 3 in the Battle of Chemotherapy will be about eating, fingernails and more side effects.

2 months post-chemo, got some fuzz coming in.

The Battle of Chemotherapy

The next stop in my War on Uterine Cancer was chemotherapy. I didn't know what to expect and that is a little scary. I remember being on the phone the night before with a friend having a bit of anxiety and being a bit hyper from the steroids I had to take.

My first 4 hour date with chemo.

I didn't sleep at all that night and the next day was dragging ass. It turned out to not be awful. I was in a room sitting in a comfy chair with other chemo patients. The nurse gave me a warmed blanket and pillows. I brought my lap top with because 4 hours is a long time with nothing to do.

The chemo meds in my drip were Carboplatin, Taxotere and an anti-nausea that I don't recall the name of right now. Then 24 hours after I was done with chemo I had to give myself a shot of Neulasta. That was the part I was concerned about, giving myself a shot. The first time I had my neighbor help me because she was used to giving herself shots of insulin. The Neulasta can cause bone pain so I had to take Claritin starting the day of chemo and for 4-5 days after.

I had to do 6 rounds of chemo, one every three weeks. The side effects were not easy to deal with but by far not as bad as I expected or had heard about from others. I did lose my hair but I will discuss that in my next post.

The biggest side effect for me was the tiredness. It was like this bone weariness that no matter how much sleep I got, wasn't able to get away from for about a week.

The first 2 days after a round of chemo I was ok because I was also given oral steroids to take and wow those gave me some energy. I took 4 pills the day before chemo and 4 the day after. I was also given anti-nausea meds ondansetron 8mg and prochlorperazine 10mg. Those pills were amazing at keeping me from vomiting. I was still feeling queezy here and there and the doc gave me another anti-nausea to take that was fast acting if it came on suddenly.

After the first 2 days, then I noticed things starting to happen. My body felt like it was walking through mud and then after about 5 day it got easier and was like walking through water. By day 7 I was only walking through sand. I was still tired but not as to the bone tired.

As a single mother of 3, I still had things to get done. It was time to get kids back in school for the year and there was no one to help with that as I have no close family. So I just sucked it up, no matter how bad I felt and went and bought new shoes, clothes, school supplies etc.. I also was having diarrhea so before I went anywhere I made sure I was taking some Imodium AD just to make it through the trip and always brought water or a sports drink with me.

So this isn't the end of my chemotherapy info but I will discuss losing my hair and other side effects in the next post.

The First Battle: Hysterectomy

Since I started my adventure with Uterine (Endometrial) Cancer, I have tried to keep a positive attitude. I have been posting on Facebook but I wanted to write something a bit more here.

After my OB/Gyn told me that I have cancer, I didn't panic or cry or get very upset. My first reaction was more of one of "time to rally the troops and win another battle". I never once considered that I might die, that was just not a thought I was willing to embrace. I was ready to fight and win.

I had to have a complete hysterectomy which was performed by my Gyn Oncologist, Dr. Byler Dann, at St. Francis Medical. She used the da Vinci Robot which is minimally invasive. I only ended up with 5 small incisions that were each one inch long. 

After surgery I was a little sore but minimal pain, this was a Friday. I didn't even bother with pain killers. I took ibuprofen 800mg and was up and moving the night of surgery. I was moving slower and had just a little pain when moving from sitting down to standing but nothing unbearable. However, by 9 pm after my 1:30 pm surgery, I had the IV out and put on my own clothes and makeup and was ready to go home the next morning.

I never wanted it to stop me. While I had to slow down, I refused to stop. No time for a pitty party, no need to fuss, just keep moving forward. 

My daughter, Sam, was around to help me with carrying laundry up and down stairs but I still did the laundry myself. On Monday I needed to get out of the house and decided to drive to the store. I was careful while I was there and used one of the electric wheelchairs so I wouldn't overdue it but it felt great to be out and about. I felt strong, I felt like I was winning this first battle.

Come back next week for post 2 and more of my journey.

Thank You For Being A Friend

I have had since last Sunday to gather my thoughts and try to find a way to say thank you to all the people who co-ordinated, performed and showed up to the benefit held in my honor in Second Life. Words have really escaped me.

I really do no feel there are enough words in the English language to express how truly honored I feel at this show of love, thoughtfulness, kindness and generosity.

I was very hesitant to allow Seth and Ayesha plan a benefit in my honor. Seth said to me "Brandy, you have so many friends in SL that would love to bring you a casserole, take you to lunch, take the kids for a night to give you some time to feel better or any number of things they could do if we all lived closer. Being so far apart, this is the only way they could do anything for you, so let them help you the only way they can."

So I agreed and they commenced with planning. Five hours of live music and so many people showing up. I was so overwhelmed with the love and friendship. I was so speechless and in tears.

I don't really have any family here that can help me and my closest friends work multiple jobs and just cannot be available. So you all, my Second Life family and friends, many of you I have not even met face to face, Last Sunday, you brought casseroles, cookies, a pot roast, gas cards, etc and said here, let me help you. I am even getting all weepy (in a happy way) thinking about it still.

Thank you Seth and Ayesha for putting the event together. Thank you to Max, Tamra, Beamer, Joel and Seth for performing. Thanks to Noma who was supposed to perform but due to health issues could not. Thank you to everyone who showed up and donated or even just showed their love and support by being there and those who couldn't come to the benefit but showed their support in other ways.

You are all amazing people behind your avatars. I would like to dedicate this song to you. This is Seth's original song and he often dedicates it to me during his shows because it is about friendship and we are the best of friends. Now I give this song to you all because you have shown such great friendship in a time now when I need it and showed up "with a symphony" and casserole :)

Bumps In The Road

I would never want to be the type of person who just gets handed things because of affluent parents.

My brother and I were raised by my grandparents since we were very little. My grandfather was a mechanic

Mine was grey but this is a '77 Sunbird.

and my grandmother was a homemaker. We were not rich at all. Most times we were on a very tight budget. Every weekend I remember going to yard sales and flea markets with them. We would take trips to Missouri  now and then to visit my grandfather's family. I never, and still have not, been to Disneyland. I didn't get a new car when I was 16. I got a 1977 Pontiac Sunbird that wasn't shiny but reliably and safely got me around. I worked and paid for my own gas and part of the car. I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

I've been through a lot in my life. Some major ups and downs... struggles and joys. I've had to work and fight for everything and often I think I should write a book about it all. I don't want to go into details now about it all but my close friends know some of it. Maybe someday I will write a book, who knows. However, now I am 38 ...39 is closing in fast... and I have cancer.

The big C ... I was surprised to say the least. However, I don't feel like I am going to die. I have no dread, no sadness, no fear. I just cannot wait to start feeling better. For the past little over a year I have been feeling fatigued after only a little activity, muscle weakness and aches, occasionally I have been overly emotional and sometimes unable to focus on tasks due to severe anemia the cancer was causing. It is uterine cancer and was causing irregular monthly cycles. Not too bad at first, an extra cycle here and there that I blew off as stress related. Then it got worse and I would only go a few days to a week between cycles. That is when the doctors had me start with tests and I was diagnosed. Even from the diagnosis date, I was only relieved to know what was wrong and that it could be treated.

Two and a half weeks ago I had a complete hysterectomy. It was done with the DaVinci Robot and my healing as been very quick. I wonder if the doctor makes "pew, pew, pew" noises when doing the surgery with the robot. "Commander, we have the Death Uterus in our sites, permission to fire lasers" Pew Pew Pew! I have been up and about since the night of surgery and while I was moving slower and was sore around the middle, I felt good.

Since surgery I was informed that they staged the cancer at a 3 and I will need chemo and then radiation. The doctor said I would lose my hair. So I cut 10 inches off to donate. Chemo will be starting in about 3 weeks once I am completely healed from surgery. I will totally rock a blue or pink wig!

People have messaged me to say how my positive attitude is inspiring but this is just me really. I've fought my way through my life, so really there is no other way I know how to be. I wish I could explain how to take a bad situation and look at the positive side and not be constantly depressed. If I knew how to explain it, I would happily for all the people out there who are depressed and feel like they are being pulled under. Don't get me wrong, I have a bad day now and then. It's allowed. Terrible stuff happens and we are allowed to feel bad about it, the key for me is that I allow myself to feel bad for a moment, an hour, a day and then I get over it. Something inside me says "F this cancer, you totally will get through this and be stronger after".

Maybe in having to fight and work hard for everything, I don't see limits only possibilities. I appreciate things because I've worked for them. I wouldn't go back and change any of the good or bad things I have been through because those things have taught me so much. My experiences have added to the story of my life. It's like the Train song "These bruises make for better conversation"