the real inspirations

I'm not a super woman.

Had to put that out there because often I get told that I am an inspiring person. I'm just a woman trying to deal with a bad situation in the only way I know how.

I have bad days. I don't go on my social media and post all about my aches and pains but they are there. Even as I sit here now typing, I am debating which anti-nausea med will work the best today. I tried to get a little bit done in the kitchen but after about 15 minutes I had to sit down because I was starting to feel woozy. I did manage to wash the dishes and they are air drying now.

This shit isn't easy. I have to go day by day and sometimes hour by hour to see how I feel and what I

can actually accomplish that day. Some days are very hard and I cannot do anything. I sleep the day away and hope the next day is better. Other times I am able to do a little housework or go to the store where I use the motorized carts because walking through a big store is too much for me. I get dizzy easily and need to sit because I am constantly fighting against low hemoglobin levels.

When I am having to be stuck by needles over and over because my veins are giving up on me, sometimes I want to scream.
There are many things that I don't complain about because I don't see the point. That doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else. There are a lot of people out there fighting their own battles with cancer, depression, Lyme disease, MS, CP or any number of things. We each have stuff going on in our lives that is a battle to each of us. Some people are not as public about it and that is okay.

I have chosen to share with you a part of my battle with cancer but I assure you, I am not inspiring. My personality dictates my choices and I've always been a fighter who doesn't let things defeat my spirit. There have been other things in my life that I have gone through just as, if not more, difficult as this and I am sure I will see more challenges in the future. Those too, I'm sure, I will face with the same stubborn determination that I have every other obstacle because that is who I am.

The real inspirations are my kids and you all. My children (ages 19,16 and 8) are a constant source of my fight and determination. No matter what a bad or good day I am having, it is them that keeps pushing me forward mentally. The desire to see them grow and become the amazing adults I know is inside them. Also, your support.... all of you who have read my blog, messaged me kind words, given to my fundraiser and generally shown me love and caring through this whole thing. With out you all, I would be much lonelier and scared but you all have been my rocks! You and my kids inspire me every day to keep moving forward and taking things as they come.

So while I cannot tell you what to do and think, I ask that you look to yourselves for inspiration because you inspire me. I'm just a woman trying to get through a rough time in her life the only way she knows how.

Things A Cancer Patient Wants Friends and Family To Know

I thought it was time for me to write a list of things a cancer patient might want their friends and family to know  about their needs.

1. Often we are cold or hot, our bodies change often, please stop complaining if you live with us that

Electric Blanket

 it is too warm or cold for you. Our bodies are under a great deal of stress, please don't put us under mental stress by complaining. Just put on a sweater if you are cold or open a window in your bedroom if you are hot.

2. We do not know how we will feel day to day or even hour to hour, so if we make plans they should be considered tentative at best. Don't tell kids that we will be doing something because younger children have a harder time with plans that have to change the day of or before.

3. People say, "Let us know if there is anything I/we can do for you?". Generally we will say Thank You but never really ask for anything. It is not that we DON'T need something but we don't know how to ask with out feeling awkward. Better if you just do something, we will appreciate both what you do and not making us ask.  HERE is a link to a list of ideas for things that you could purchase for your friend or family member. Other helpful things are gift cards for gas, restaurants, Amazon, Netflix or a store card.

Don't ask, just do because if you wait for us to say something, you might be waiting a good long while! We really will appreciate the help, it is just hard sometimes to ask for it, especially for those who usually are the ones taking care of everyone else.

4. Unless you are someone who spends a lot of time with us and knows our culinary preferences and our family's tastes, don't send food. During cancer treatment, our taste buds can change and make everything horrible tasting or maybe even go away. We won't want to turn down the offer of food because we appreciate it, even if it isn't something we or the family would particularly like. I'm sure you would rather food get eaten, so your best bet is to maybe ask what our favorite snacks or beverage are and send those instead. Also, snacks are something we can take with us for those hours at chemo.

Spaghetti with Red Sauce

5. More about food... usually the doctors we are working with will give us a good general guideline of what they want us to focus on with our diet.  Some days, during treatment, it is all we can do to sip a beverage and maybe get down a few bites. Those few bites might be a corn dog, a lettuce wrap, some chips, a few veggies or whatever tastes okay at that moment. PLEASE, PLEASE I beg of you to not criticize or offer diet advice. We are getting dietary advice from god and everyone. We love the fact that you care enough to offer the advice but we get so much of it, that it becomes overwhelming.

6. Don't stop sharing your life with us. If you are someone who would talk to us about your crappy day before we got cancer, then tell us about it. If you are sick, feel free to share. Just because we have cancer and going through treatment, doesn't mean that your issues are not important to us. Also, listening to someone about their horrible boss or bratty kid or whatever will give us a mental break from our own problems. Much the same reason people watch drama filled talk shows.

Okay, that is all for now... part 2 might come later. If you are a cancer patient or survivor and have any suggestions for things you would love friends and family to know, feel free to email me (brandy) AT energysheep DOT com.

And The Band Played On

It has been a few months since I have written here and I would like to explain. My fight last year with cancer didn't end. It was discovered via CT Scan that I had cancer tumors in my abdominal wall. I had a biopsy to confirm and then surgery to remove the tumors. Six weeks later, after healing, I went to visit my chemo doctor. He said that my CR125 test was very high and he wanted to do a PET Scan. The PET came back and they found tumors in my liver.

This was quite shocking to me and I must admit, rather upsetting.  I asked the doctor how long I have left. He could not give me a time table but said that with remission he has seen people live 10 years or longer and in no way was he saying that I only have 6 months left to live.

The plan for now is to do 3 rounds of chemo and then another PET Scan to see how the cancer is reacting. Obviously, we are hoping it will go into remission and I am keeping a positive attitude that is exactly what will happen and I will have many years left. Of course I have taken time to process the information and even cry to get to that positive attitude but I decided that to keep crying would do no one any good.

I do however have a practical side and am working on putting my affairs in order. I have children and am a single mother, so I have to make sure they will be taken care of in the event that this goes sideways.  I plan to consult with a lawyer in my state to see how much say I will be allowed to have in my will about where and how my children are to be raised. If you are a single parent with a questionable father or mother of your children, it is very important that you know what your rights are and your children's rights. States each have different custody laws and different ages where they will take what the kids want into consideration. If you are in a similar situation, please consult with an attorney.

My children are what I live and breath for and while I take care of the practical side, I also want to spend time with them. I want to build memories for them to look back on and know they were loved very much. One day I won't be here and the memories of me is what they will have to hold on to. I am not worried about buying them things... toys break, interests change, children grow. I want to make gingerbread men, take them to events, string popcorn for the Christmas tree, play games and snuggle up on the couch with popcorn and a movie.

Those are the important things and what my focus is on besides fighting cancer. This is my life and no matter how long that life is, I have my priorities together and know the person I am. Cancer doesn't change who I am, it will come or it will go but the tune of my life goes on.

Chemotherapy Stock Up List

Going through cancer treatment is hard, chemo was the hardest part for me. I am hoping you can benefit from my experience, so I decided to make a list of things to stock up on to make life a little bit easier during chemotherapy.

If you have to jump right into chemotherapy and don't have time to shop, these are some good items for friends who want to help or even order online and have delivered.


1. Toilet paper. Stock up as much as you can, a 3-4 month supply would be ideal. You really will not want to run to the store when you are having a bad chemo day because you are on your last roll.

2. Paper towels. If you have to clean up anything, you need to do it quick and easy. So stock up on a good quality paper towel. Six to 9 rolls should cover it.

3. A small - medium size bucket. The reality of chemo is that it will make you sick. Sometimes the meds are not enough to keep everything down. Keep a bucket near you.

4. Small trash bags or plastic store bags. (If using store bags, check them for holes) Use these to double line the bucket. If you are going to toss your cookies, clean up should be easy. Even when you are feeling ok, leave the bucket lined wherever you are, stomach upset can come out of no where and just hit you.

5. Paper plates and plastic utensils. Worry about dishes as little as possible. Many people have dishwashers but you still have to rinse and put in, turn it on and put them away when done. For those who hand wash, standing there while sick is not what you want to be doing... stock up.

7. Easy to make food. Often you don't feel like eating and things can taste awful or maybe you will lose your sense of taste all together. So stock up on easy to make items. Frozen dinners, soups, broth mix. If you have time ahead, make and freeze your own soups with great wholesome ingredients. When you do freeze your own, only do 1/2 portions. If you want more you can always heat more up but often you don't eat a whole bunch. Also, don't let ANYONE make you feel bad if the only thing that tastes right is Corn Dogs or Twinkies or some manufactured food. It is hard enough to eat during chemo that we have to eat anything that has some calories in it.

8. Liquids. Water, sports drinks, tea (not green tea because my doc told me that it makes the chemo less effective). Keep yourself as hydrated as you can because it will make it easier to take blood and start IVs.

9. Wedge pillow or extra pillows. If you can manage to incline your upper body, that can help with nausea and a floaty feeling head.

10. Laptop or a tablet. You will spend hours sitting with your chemo drip and there will be days when you really don't have the energy to get out of bed but you cannot sleep either. So have something handy to help with entertainment and staying connected to your friends. Get a movie streaming subscription too, there are plenty to choose from and wherever you get chemo probably has wifi.

If there is any other items that you can think of to stock up on ahead of time, please comment on what helped you.

The Battle of Chemotherapy Part 3

Aside from the hair loss, there are other side effects that come with chemotherapy. They can vary by person and by which drug you are taking for your cancer. These are just the ones that I had and How I choose to deal with them.

I was tired from about day 2 after chemo. It was that kind of tired that was your whole being head to toe just really didn't want to do much. I often compare it to feeling like your body is walking through mud, that rather slow motion feeling that you just cannot shake. Around day 4 post treatment, It was more like walking through water, easier but still tired. About day 6 was when I was feeling much better. The only thing that helped a bit for me was stretching, getting up and stretching for about 10 minutes would give me just a bit of energy for a short period.

I still had kids to take care of an a life to live. So I just sucked it up and went to do what needed done. I was at the sporting goods store with my middle child shopping for running shoes, I went to get the same one a new cell phone and I had to get them things to start the school year. Somewhere inside me I just said "Screw you cancer, I have stuff to do." Then after running my errands, I would come home and nap.

Knowing my white blood count was low, I made sure to use the anti-bacterial wipes on shopping carts and carried some in my purse for stores with out them. I also tried to stay further away from other shoppers just in case anyone was out sick.

Another prominent side effect is nausea and vomiting. My doctors gave me 2 long acting meds, Zofran and Compazine and then later on a faster acting short term Ativan. These meds are a god send! I wasn't queezy often as long as I was taking them and I only vomited once when I had forgotten.

Food is another tricky subject. I didn't feel like eating much and when I did, it tasted funny or no taste at all for about 10 days after chemo. I ended up losing about 40 pounds. Everyone you know will offer you diet advice. GMO Free, Organic, Free Range, Gluten Free, Paleo, Vegan, etc etc etc etc. Just thank them for their thoughts and say something like "I will remember to discuss that with my doctor." You get sick of the advice but in your heart you know it comes from a place of wanting you to be healthy, so you deal with it. Then just eat the damn twinky or whatever you can manage to tolerate or might taste not wretched to your chemical filled taste buds. Healthy is always best but if corn dogs and pretzels (or whatever) is the only things that taste good or at least not horrible, go for it. Just get some calories in you in some form.

There are other random side effects that will change from person to person, you might have numbness or tingling in your fingers and/or toes. Yes chemo brain is a real thing. Some people lose finger and toe nails, I didn't lose mine but my finger nails developed ridges.

This is where I will leave off for now... stay tuned for the next battle story.

The Battle of Chemotherapy Part 2

Before cutting my hair to donate.

My hair has always been a source of vanity for me. Right before I started chemo, it was very long and black and shiny. I loved it and knowing I was going to lose it, made me a little sad but I decided that instead of being sad, someone else should benefit.

So I took my hair when it was completely dry and made small ponytails up to my shoulders. I took the scissors and started cutting right above the ponytail holder. I decided that before I lost my hair, I would donate 12 inches of it to help others. It was empowering to know that my loss could help someone else. If you are planning on doing the same, remember to do this when your hair is totally dry because I read that often the donations cannot be used because the hair is damp when cut. When it is sent out over a few days time, the damp hair will mildew and becomes unusable.

After cutting my hair to donate.

After I had the donation hair cut off, I was able to trim it up to a cute chin length bob that had a some long parts in the front. After all I was only 38 at the time and still wanted to look cute and cool.

About 2 weeks after my round of chemotherapy, my hair starting coming out. At first it was about 10-15 strands  when I would run my fingers through it. The by the next day it was more like 50-75 through my brush.

I wanted to take ownership of my hair loss. I have 3 kids and decided to wait for them to be home from school before I did anything because I didn't want them to come home and mom be bald and be all shocked.

After shaving my head.

So that night after dinner, I told my youngest that we were going to cut mom's hair. My two teenagers kinda just shrugged it off and to be honest, it was the 7 year old I was most concerned about anyways. I grabbed my clippers and my little boy and I went into the bathroom and I explained to him that I was losing my hair because of the medicine I was taking and we were going to shave it off. So with him in there with me, I took a #1 guard and started shaving. I took control. The next day I went to a salon and had them shave it down more because it was hard getting the back and they could do it with out a guard on.

I still had some stubble that never completely fell out no matter how much I massaged my head. Some people find it very itchy or uncomfortable and will choose to use a razor to get it all the way off.

One of my ways of having fun with the hair loss was cool wigs. Who says you have to have a traditional color? On ebay and amazon you can find cos-play wigs (from China mostly)

of every color and style. I have previous had nontraditional colored hair in my life so this was not a huge stretch for me. Also, when my eyebrows finally fell out one month after chemo ended, I decided that it was time for me to be artistic. So every day I used liquid eyeliner and drew on some very interesting eyebrows.

I made the choice to make this into a positive thing and have fun with it. I didn't want to be depressed about my hair, so I just took ownership and basically said "Screw you cancer!"

Don't misunderstand me, I did have a sadness about losing my hair. I took a couple of days to feel sad but then I had to suck it up because being sad did not help me keep my hair.

Part 3 in the Battle of Chemotherapy will be about eating, fingernails and more side effects.

2 months post-chemo, got some fuzz coming in.

The Battle of Chemotherapy

The next stop in my War on Uterine Cancer was chemotherapy. I didn't know what to expect and that is a little scary. I remember being on the phone the night before with a friend having a bit of anxiety and being a bit hyper from the steroids I had to take.

My first 4 hour date with chemo.

I didn't sleep at all that night and the next day was dragging ass. It turned out to not be awful. I was in a room sitting in a comfy chair with other chemo patients. The nurse gave me a warmed blanket and pillows. I brought my lap top with because 4 hours is a long time with nothing to do.

The chemo meds in my drip were Carboplatin, Taxotere and an anti-nausea that I don't recall the name of right now. Then 24 hours after I was done with chemo I had to give myself a shot of Neulasta. That was the part I was concerned about, giving myself a shot. The first time I had my neighbor help me because she was used to giving herself shots of insulin. The Neulasta can cause bone pain so I had to take Claritin starting the day of chemo and for 4-5 days after.

I had to do 6 rounds of chemo, one every three weeks. The side effects were not easy to deal with but by far not as bad as I expected or had heard about from others. I did lose my hair but I will discuss that in my next post.

The biggest side effect for me was the tiredness. It was like this bone weariness that no matter how much sleep I got, wasn't able to get away from for about a week.

The first 2 days after a round of chemo I was ok because I was also given oral steroids to take and wow those gave me some energy. I took 4 pills the day before chemo and 4 the day after. I was also given anti-nausea meds ondansetron 8mg and prochlorperazine 10mg. Those pills were amazing at keeping me from vomiting. I was still feeling queezy here and there and the doc gave me another anti-nausea to take that was fast acting if it came on suddenly.

After the first 2 days, then I noticed things starting to happen. My body felt like it was walking through mud and then after about 5 day it got easier and was like walking through water. By day 7 I was only walking through sand. I was still tired but not as to the bone tired.

As a single mother of 3, I still had things to get done. It was time to get kids back in school for the year and there was no one to help with that as I have no close family. So I just sucked it up, no matter how bad I felt and went and bought new shoes, clothes, school supplies etc.. I also was having diarrhea so before I went anywhere I made sure I was taking some Imodium AD just to make it through the trip and always brought water or a sports drink with me.

So this isn't the end of my chemotherapy info but I will discuss losing my hair and other side effects in the next post.

Bumps In The Road

I would never want to be the type of person who just gets handed things because of affluent parents.

My brother and I were raised by my grandparents since we were very little. My grandfather was a mechanic

Mine was grey but this is a '77 Sunbird.

and my grandmother was a homemaker. We were not rich at all. Most times we were on a very tight budget. Every weekend I remember going to yard sales and flea markets with them. We would take trips to Missouri  now and then to visit my grandfather's family. I never, and still have not, been to Disneyland. I didn't get a new car when I was 16. I got a 1977 Pontiac Sunbird that wasn't shiny but reliably and safely got me around. I worked and paid for my own gas and part of the car. I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

I've been through a lot in my life. Some major ups and downs... struggles and joys. I've had to work and fight for everything and often I think I should write a book about it all. I don't want to go into details now about it all but my close friends know some of it. Maybe someday I will write a book, who knows. However, now I am 38 ...39 is closing in fast... and I have cancer.

The big C ... I was surprised to say the least. However, I don't feel like I am going to die. I have no dread, no sadness, no fear. I just cannot wait to start feeling better. For the past little over a year I have been feeling fatigued after only a little activity, muscle weakness and aches, occasionally I have been overly emotional and sometimes unable to focus on tasks due to severe anemia the cancer was causing. It is uterine cancer and was causing irregular monthly cycles. Not too bad at first, an extra cycle here and there that I blew off as stress related. Then it got worse and I would only go a few days to a week between cycles. That is when the doctors had me start with tests and I was diagnosed. Even from the diagnosis date, I was only relieved to know what was wrong and that it could be treated.

Two and a half weeks ago I had a complete hysterectomy. It was done with the DaVinci Robot and my healing as been very quick. I wonder if the doctor makes "pew, pew, pew" noises when doing the surgery with the robot. "Commander, we have the Death Uterus in our sites, permission to fire lasers" Pew Pew Pew! I have been up and about since the night of surgery and while I was moving slower and was sore around the middle, I felt good.

Since surgery I was informed that they staged the cancer at a 3 and I will need chemo and then radiation. The doctor said I would lose my hair. So I cut 10 inches off to donate. Chemo will be starting in about 3 weeks once I am completely healed from surgery. I will totally rock a blue or pink wig!

People have messaged me to say how my positive attitude is inspiring but this is just me really. I've fought my way through my life, so really there is no other way I know how to be. I wish I could explain how to take a bad situation and look at the positive side and not be constantly depressed. If I knew how to explain it, I would happily for all the people out there who are depressed and feel like they are being pulled under. Don't get me wrong, I have a bad day now and then. It's allowed. Terrible stuff happens and we are allowed to feel bad about it, the key for me is that I allow myself to feel bad for a moment, an hour, a day and then I get over it. Something inside me says "F this cancer, you totally will get through this and be stronger after".

Maybe in having to fight and work hard for everything, I don't see limits only possibilities. I appreciate things because I've worked for them. I wouldn't go back and change any of the good or bad things I have been through because those things have taught me so much. My experiences have added to the story of my life. It's like the Train song "These bruises make for better conversation"