Cancer and Big Girl Panties

My name is Brandy and I have cancer, it doesn't have me. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer in the Spring of 2014 at the age of 38. I had to have a complete hysterectomy and then went on to chemotherapy and then radiation.

That was a fucking hard time in my life. I tried to get through it the best I could, the way I get through things. I often pushed myself to do things for my kids, to do just a little bit of housework or try to accomplish some projects that needed done. I had no family to help me, no one was coming over bringing meals, no one was here but me and my kids. I had good days and I had bad but no matter what my day was, life kept happening around me. So here I would sit, lay, sleep and do what I could when I could. I knew if I had to run out to grocery shop, I would need time to rest later. I knew if I had a parent teacher meeting in the evening, I would have to rest up during the day. I would try to do as much as I could to still function and feel some semblance of normal.

I tried to keep positive and see all of that as a part of the journey of my life, as something I was dealing with and would overcome. Some days I could do that, other times I cried and felt like crap but one thing always there, always inside me was a fighting spirit. People who knew my journey told me that my attitude was inspirational. That warmed my heart but I wasn't trying to inspire anyone, I was just dealing with things the only way I knew how.

I don't think I am special or unique, I think I just do things the way that is best for ME. Everyone is different and handles situations in their own way. I don't want to be seen as better or worse than anyone else in the way I deal with things. This is MY way and it may or may not apply to others.


I also had great friends that would let me vent my frustrations when I had them. People who, while they don't live close, are near and dear to my heart. If not for them I would have felt a lot more isolated and alone. They encouraged me and believed in me and I was able to draw strength from that as well.

My journey isn't over, I'm on to the next fork in the road. I have two new cancer spots in my abdomen and have to have surgery and then on to more treatment. I am going to try to handle it the best way I can for me. Some days I will want to do nothing but then there is a voice inside me that says "Bitch, put on your big girl panties, suck it up and do something."

As I enter the new chapter in my journey, I hope to be able to balance things as I did before. I know my body will be going through a lot. I will need time to heal from surgery and I will need to rest to let my body fight. I also know that life will keep happening no matter how I feel. My son will still need to go to soccer, I will still have dishes that need done, meals that will need cooked (microwaved at the very least) and the holidays will come and go. I just have to keep organized and be able to fit in as much as possible. I will need to allow some flexibility for my body to get what it needs but I also will have to try to do as much as I can when I can.

You often have to take things day by day or even hour by hour but even the little things you accomplish can make you feel like you have had a victory. It could be just unloading the dishwasher, folding some laundry or even just getting up and getting dressed but each thing you can accomplish while fighting for your life can make you feel like you won a small battle. Give yourself a little cheer when you can get something done but don't get down on yourself when you cannot. Everyone's fight is different and you need to listen to your body and make the choices that are right for you.

Bumps In The Road

I would never want to be the type of person who just gets handed things because of affluent parents.

My brother and I were raised by my grandparents since we were very little. My grandfather was a mechanic

Mine was grey but this is a '77 Sunbird.

and my grandmother was a homemaker. We were not rich at all. Most times we were on a very tight budget. Every weekend I remember going to yard sales and flea markets with them. We would take trips to Missouri  now and then to visit my grandfather's family. I never, and still have not, been to Disneyland. I didn't get a new car when I was 16. I got a 1977 Pontiac Sunbird that wasn't shiny but reliably and safely got me around. I worked and paid for my own gas and part of the car. I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

I've been through a lot in my life. Some major ups and downs... struggles and joys. I've had to work and fight for everything and often I think I should write a book about it all. I don't want to go into details now about it all but my close friends know some of it. Maybe someday I will write a book, who knows. However, now I am 38 ...39 is closing in fast... and I have cancer.

The big C ... I was surprised to say the least. However, I don't feel like I am going to die. I have no dread, no sadness, no fear. I just cannot wait to start feeling better. For the past little over a year I have been feeling fatigued after only a little activity, muscle weakness and aches, occasionally I have been overly emotional and sometimes unable to focus on tasks due to severe anemia the cancer was causing. It is uterine cancer and was causing irregular monthly cycles. Not too bad at first, an extra cycle here and there that I blew off as stress related. Then it got worse and I would only go a few days to a week between cycles. That is when the doctors had me start with tests and I was diagnosed. Even from the diagnosis date, I was only relieved to know what was wrong and that it could be treated.

Two and a half weeks ago I had a complete hysterectomy. It was done with the DaVinci Robot and my healing as been very quick. I wonder if the doctor makes "pew, pew, pew" noises when doing the surgery with the robot. "Commander, we have the Death Uterus in our sites, permission to fire lasers" Pew Pew Pew! I have been up and about since the night of surgery and while I was moving slower and was sore around the middle, I felt good.

Since surgery I was informed that they staged the cancer at a 3 and I will need chemo and then radiation. The doctor said I would lose my hair. So I cut 10 inches off to donate. Chemo will be starting in about 3 weeks once I am completely healed from surgery. I will totally rock a blue or pink wig!

People have messaged me to say how my positive attitude is inspiring but this is just me really. I've fought my way through my life, so really there is no other way I know how to be. I wish I could explain how to take a bad situation and look at the positive side and not be constantly depressed. If I knew how to explain it, I would happily for all the people out there who are depressed and feel like they are being pulled under. Don't get me wrong, I have a bad day now and then. It's allowed. Terrible stuff happens and we are allowed to feel bad about it, the key for me is that I allow myself to feel bad for a moment, an hour, a day and then I get over it. Something inside me says "F this cancer, you totally will get through this and be stronger after".

Maybe in having to fight and work hard for everything, I don't see limits only possibilities. I appreciate things because I've worked for them. I wouldn't go back and change any of the good or bad things I have been through because those things have taught me so much. My experiences have added to the story of my life. It's like the Train song "These bruises make for better conversation"