Bumps In The Road

I would never want to be the type of person who just gets handed things because of affluent parents.

My brother and I were raised by my grandparents since we were very little. My grandfather was a mechanic

Mine was grey but this is a '77 Sunbird.

and my grandmother was a homemaker. We were not rich at all. Most times we were on a very tight budget. Every weekend I remember going to yard sales and flea markets with them. We would take trips to Missouri  now and then to visit my grandfather's family. I never, and still have not, been to Disneyland. I didn't get a new car when I was 16. I got a 1977 Pontiac Sunbird that wasn't shiny but reliably and safely got me around. I worked and paid for my own gas and part of the car. I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

I've been through a lot in my life. Some major ups and downs... struggles and joys. I've had to work and fight for everything and often I think I should write a book about it all. I don't want to go into details now about it all but my close friends know some of it. Maybe someday I will write a book, who knows. However, now I am 38 ...39 is closing in fast... and I have cancer.

The big C ... I was surprised to say the least. However, I don't feel like I am going to die. I have no dread, no sadness, no fear. I just cannot wait to start feeling better. For the past little over a year I have been feeling fatigued after only a little activity, muscle weakness and aches, occasionally I have been overly emotional and sometimes unable to focus on tasks due to severe anemia the cancer was causing. It is uterine cancer and was causing irregular monthly cycles. Not too bad at first, an extra cycle here and there that I blew off as stress related. Then it got worse and I would only go a few days to a week between cycles. That is when the doctors had me start with tests and I was diagnosed. Even from the diagnosis date, I was only relieved to know what was wrong and that it could be treated.

Two and a half weeks ago I had a complete hysterectomy. It was done with the DaVinci Robot and my healing as been very quick. I wonder if the doctor makes "pew, pew, pew" noises when doing the surgery with the robot. "Commander, we have the Death Uterus in our sites, permission to fire lasers" Pew Pew Pew! I have been up and about since the night of surgery and while I was moving slower and was sore around the middle, I felt good.

Since surgery I was informed that they staged the cancer at a 3 and I will need chemo and then radiation. The doctor said I would lose my hair. So I cut 10 inches off to donate. Chemo will be starting in about 3 weeks once I am completely healed from surgery. I will totally rock a blue or pink wig!

People have messaged me to say how my positive attitude is inspiring but this is just me really. I've fought my way through my life, so really there is no other way I know how to be. I wish I could explain how to take a bad situation and look at the positive side and not be constantly depressed. If I knew how to explain it, I would happily for all the people out there who are depressed and feel like they are being pulled under. Don't get me wrong, I have a bad day now and then. It's allowed. Terrible stuff happens and we are allowed to feel bad about it, the key for me is that I allow myself to feel bad for a moment, an hour, a day and then I get over it. Something inside me says "F this cancer, you totally will get through this and be stronger after".

Maybe in having to fight and work hard for everything, I don't see limits only possibilities. I appreciate things because I've worked for them. I wouldn't go back and change any of the good or bad things I have been through because those things have taught me so much. My experiences have added to the story of my life. It's like the Train song "These bruises make for better conversation"

Open To The Possibilities

I just sat here for the last two hours watching a movie, well, letting a movie play while I thought about things. Particularly, I thought about my relationship with my boyfriend. I've had some lingering questions in my head that I really needed to come to terms with. So with kids in bed, no work I MUST complete and a movie for background noise I was able to just sit and think.

The thing I really came up with is that we need to allow ourselves to be open to the possibilities. I shut my heart away for a long time and just kept potential suitors at a distance. I put my heart behind a wall with armed guards because I was afraid. I was scared to death of being hurt again. After two marriages that didn't work, of course I wasn't ready yet to open up to the idea that someone could love me just as I am. I'm the single mom of 3 kids, I'm 36, struggling financially for various reasons, a bit emotionally scarred and stubborn. I was content for a long time to just love my kids and my work and focus on making a future for my kids and overcoming life's challenges.

What is that expression... we make plans and God laughs. Well, here I was hiding behind my wall and along comes a man. Someone I knew very casually for a long time but never really got to know, till one night we started talking. That conversation lead to another much longer conversation... hours and hours of talking and getting to know each other.After a time, I felt my wall dissolving slowly like when you put sugar in a pot with water and it melts. The armed guards up and left... damn deserters!

I found myself completely falling for this guy. We could talk non stop for hours on end about so many topics. We just clicked. Of course, things were not with out their challenges. We did this back and forth thing for a long time while we were trying to sort it all out. Drove me a bit mad but in the end I gave him one more chance. He didn't disappoint me, he showed up to be my Prince Charming. Things have been great since. I think we have just reached a place where we are able to speak each other's language and I know I cannot imagine my life with out him in it.

I think the biggest part for me was leaving myself open to the possibility that he could be my Prince Charming and giving him that chance. Yes, things started off a bit rough but we got through those bumps in the road. Trust me, several times I tried to rebuild the wall only for him to come around and knock it down again. I'm so pleased with the way things have turned out and he is an amazing man, so kind and loving and creative and yes, flawed, like we all are. However, he thinks my singing isn't horrible (love is deaf I guess), he encourages my endeavors, and he sees my flaws and loves me inclusive of them. I think he is a keeper.

The moral to this story boys and girls, take the time you need to heal, but don't let the scars hold you back. Keep yourself open to the possibilities. I was telling a dear friend earlier tonight, you are perfectly you, and someone will come along and love you for all the things that make you who you are. If the people you are meeting right now do not work out... they are just frogs and sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find your Prince!

As for the questions in my head I was thinking about... I am just going to leave them open to the possibilities and see what happens.