the real inspirations

I'm not a super woman.

Had to put that out there because often I get told that I am an inspiring person. I'm just a woman trying to deal with a bad situation in the only way I know how.

I have bad days. I don't go on my social media and post all about my aches and pains but they are there. Even as I sit here now typing, I am debating which anti-nausea med will work the best today. I tried to get a little bit done in the kitchen but after about 15 minutes I had to sit down because I was starting to feel woozy. I did manage to wash the dishes and they are air drying now.

This shit isn't easy. I have to go day by day and sometimes hour by hour to see how I feel and what I

can actually accomplish that day. Some days are very hard and I cannot do anything. I sleep the day away and hope the next day is better. Other times I am able to do a little housework or go to the store where I use the motorized carts because walking through a big store is too much for me. I get dizzy easily and need to sit because I am constantly fighting against low hemoglobin levels.

When I am having to be stuck by needles over and over because my veins are giving up on me, sometimes I want to scream.
There are many things that I don't complain about because I don't see the point. That doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else. There are a lot of people out there fighting their own battles with cancer, depression, Lyme disease, MS, CP or any number of things. We each have stuff going on in our lives that is a battle to each of us. Some people are not as public about it and that is okay.

I have chosen to share with you a part of my battle with cancer but I assure you, I am not inspiring. My personality dictates my choices and I've always been a fighter who doesn't let things defeat my spirit. There have been other things in my life that I have gone through just as, if not more, difficult as this and I am sure I will see more challenges in the future. Those too, I'm sure, I will face with the same stubborn determination that I have every other obstacle because that is who I am.

The real inspirations are my kids and you all. My children (ages 19,16 and 8) are a constant source of my fight and determination. No matter what a bad or good day I am having, it is them that keeps pushing me forward mentally. The desire to see them grow and become the amazing adults I know is inside them. Also, your support.... all of you who have read my blog, messaged me kind words, given to my fundraiser and generally shown me love and caring through this whole thing. With out you all, I would be much lonelier and scared but you all have been my rocks! You and my kids inspire me every day to keep moving forward and taking things as they come.

So while I cannot tell you what to do and think, I ask that you look to yourselves for inspiration because you inspire me. I'm just a woman trying to get through a rough time in her life the only way she knows how.

And The Band Played On

It has been a few months since I have written here and I would like to explain. My fight last year with cancer didn't end. It was discovered via CT Scan that I had cancer tumors in my abdominal wall. I had a biopsy to confirm and then surgery to remove the tumors. Six weeks later, after healing, I went to visit my chemo doctor. He said that my CR125 test was very high and he wanted to do a PET Scan. The PET came back and they found tumors in my liver.

This was quite shocking to me and I must admit, rather upsetting.  I asked the doctor how long I have left. He could not give me a time table but said that with remission he has seen people live 10 years or longer and in no way was he saying that I only have 6 months left to live.

The plan for now is to do 3 rounds of chemo and then another PET Scan to see how the cancer is reacting. Obviously, we are hoping it will go into remission and I am keeping a positive attitude that is exactly what will happen and I will have many years left. Of course I have taken time to process the information and even cry to get to that positive attitude but I decided that to keep crying would do no one any good.

I do however have a practical side and am working on putting my affairs in order. I have children and am a single mother, so I have to make sure they will be taken care of in the event that this goes sideways.  I plan to consult with a lawyer in my state to see how much say I will be allowed to have in my will about where and how my children are to be raised. If you are a single parent with a questionable father or mother of your children, it is very important that you know what your rights are and your children's rights. States each have different custody laws and different ages where they will take what the kids want into consideration. If you are in a similar situation, please consult with an attorney.

My children are what I live and breath for and while I take care of the practical side, I also want to spend time with them. I want to build memories for them to look back on and know they were loved very much. One day I won't be here and the memories of me is what they will have to hold on to. I am not worried about buying them things... toys break, interests change, children grow. I want to make gingerbread men, take them to events, string popcorn for the Christmas tree, play games and snuggle up on the couch with popcorn and a movie.

Those are the important things and what my focus is on besides fighting cancer. This is my life and no matter how long that life is, I have my priorities together and know the person I am. Cancer doesn't change who I am, it will come or it will go but the tune of my life goes on.

Angry Mom With Cancer

I'm angry, I'm really f&*king angry right now. 

This is my body and my life and I accept that I have challenges to go through to fight my cancer. I can take all this and move forward and keep going on with treatment and surrender more time in my life to make sure I have a life.

What I am pissed off about is that my kids have to suffer with me. My 16 year old who asks me 3-4 times a day “Mom are you ok?” or “How are you feeling?” While he is still excited to be able to get a job and take drivers ed in school, he worries about me. He shouldn't have to worry about his mother, he should be able to be the teenager he is and not carry with him the troubles of having a sick mother.

I'm angry because when I do try to do something special, like take them to the Renaissance Faire, we cannot do all the things we would like to do because I am having a bad health day. I push myself to try to make sure they do have some fun but end up leaving early having done only 1/2 the things we would have liked to do.

When my 8 year old asks about doing some activity, I hate saying “We will have to see how I feel that day.” I hate for them to miss out on stuff that young people should be able to do because I am sick.

This is the suckiest part of being a cancer patient. Not what you are going through because when it comes down to it, you get up every day and deal with the sickness and the pain and push on but my kids didn't sign up for that. My kids deserve to be able to be kids and have something close to normal.

I've tried as best I could to still take them places and do things that they want but often they don't get the full experience of whatever we do because I just cannot stand for that long or I am over whelming tired and pushed myself to even get there.

My kids have been amazingly understanding but they shouldn't need to be. They deserve some semblance of normal. I try as hard as I can to do all I can for them and try to make things as normal as possible but mostly it doesn't feel good enough. I push myself when I know I should probably be resting and I know there is no way to prevent the impact of my cancer on my kids but I try to keep it as controlled as I possibly can. I try to find activities to do that will not be as taxing on me but it just doesn't feel good enough.

The 8 year old starts soccer this week. I want to take him to every practice and every game and show him that I will be there for him. Make sure he knows he can count on me. I'm worried though as I will be heading back to treatment how I will manage this. When I signed him up, I didn't know and now I have to make the best of it.

I am angry because I want to be the mom my kids deserve, not the mom who is sick.

Dear You

Dear You,

Hi it's me. I was going through some stuff this morning and found the basket from the first time you ever sent me flowers years ago. I don't attach sentiment to objects but I kept the basket thinking I could use it again because it was sturdy and nice. Seeing it today made me think.

It made me think about the good, the bad, the love, the hurt, the beauty and the ugly.

I started crying, big tears just rolled down my face as memories flooded my mind. I thought about adding the basket to my box of donation things but I couldn't do that. Maybe I am more sentimental than I thought. So I let it sit there not knowing what to do with it. Here this THING was, reminding me of you, bringing to memory things I wanted to keep tucked away.

It even ran through my thoughts to destroy it. Just stomp it and rip it apart like some thing to make my hurt go away but this basket was not the center of my hurt, it was just a THING. The hurt resides in my heart and I can't just destroy the THING and make my hurt stop. The only thing that will make the hurt go away is time.

So I will keep the basket. As I'm writing This letter I have decided that I will use the basket for something positive because when I got the flowers in the basket, it was a kind thing, a good thing.

Everyday for a month I am going to write a little note to myself of something positive that happened that day. I will put the notes in the basket and at the end of the month, I will sit down and read all the little notes from the month and remember that even on my bad days, something good happened.

My first note today will be "I found this basket and put it to a positive use."


Love Always,

Me

Thank You For Being A Friend

I have had since last Sunday to gather my thoughts and try to find a way to say thank you to all the people who co-ordinated, performed and showed up to the benefit held in my honor in Second Life. Words have really escaped me.

I really do no feel there are enough words in the English language to express how truly honored I feel at this show of love, thoughtfulness, kindness and generosity.

I was very hesitant to allow Seth and Ayesha plan a benefit in my honor. Seth said to me "Brandy, you have so many friends in SL that would love to bring you a casserole, take you to lunch, take the kids for a night to give you some time to feel better or any number of things they could do if we all lived closer. Being so far apart, this is the only way they could do anything for you, so let them help you the only way they can."

So I agreed and they commenced with planning. Five hours of live music and so many people showing up. I was so overwhelmed with the love and friendship. I was so speechless and in tears.

I don't really have any family here that can help me and my closest friends work multiple jobs and just cannot be available. So you all, my Second Life family and friends, many of you I have not even met face to face, Last Sunday, you brought casseroles, cookies, a pot roast, gas cards, etc and said here, let me help you. I am even getting all weepy (in a happy way) thinking about it still.

Thank you Seth and Ayesha for putting the event together. Thank you to Max, Tamra, Beamer, Joel and Seth for performing. Thanks to Noma who was supposed to perform but due to health issues could not. Thank you to everyone who showed up and donated or even just showed their love and support by being there and those who couldn't come to the benefit but showed their support in other ways.

You are all amazing people behind your avatars. I would like to dedicate this song to you. This is Seth's original song and he often dedicates it to me during his shows because it is about friendship and we are the best of friends. Now I give this song to you all because you have shown such great friendship in a time now when I need it and showed up "with a symphony" and casserole :)

We Found Love In A Virtual Place

Can you define love?

I can't define it for you, only for me.

I think love is different to everyone. I think there are more kinds of  love than people typically think about. Every little kid is brought up on the Disney idea of love. Every girl is a princess and every guy is heroic and true. They meet, fall in love, face a danger and then live happily ever after. THE END

Wait...not so fast!

That is not everyone's idea of love.

Love can be shared and expressed in so many different ways, such as, the love of a parent and child,  the love you have for a spouse, the love you have for a dear pet. There are other loves too and other sort of relationships. Second Life is a good example of a plethora of different sorts of loves and relationships.

Love is complicated and what you feel for one person is different than you feel for another. In Second Life there are so many different dynamics to consider. Do you separate your SL and real life? Some people do, some don't or varying degrees in between.

Love is not black and white and we can love different people in different ways and for different reasons. There are various types of relationships based on how we love people. I know I have had different types of relationships myself. Friends, lovers, romance, and there are shades of grey in there as well. Sometimes you cannot define what kind of love you have for someone, you just know that you love them and your life is enriched because they are a part of your life.

I think the problem with these unique relationships that people have comes when other people impose their ideas or beliefs on them. Other people bring in the drama, when they message wanting to know what is going on. If it was a close friend, wouldn't you already tell them. So I think if people mind their own business we can have more confidence in our relationships, even if they are not traditional. Who are we to judge someone's definition of a relationship or love if it works for them?

We can find love, companionship, friendship, emotion and more in a virtual place. We just sometimes need to expand our way of thinking.

Finding The RIGHT One In SL or RL

Last night I posted this on Facebook:

A friend and I were talking about the subject of dating tonight and he said to me...

"So you dream big, and won't let yourself be side tracked by anything or anyone that is not going to advance your dream"

My response to that was "I'm very driven and I want to be with someone who wants to be part of my dream"

The more I think about it... the more I am sure that is accurate... if the person we are with is the right person, they will share in our hopes and dreams and help us work towards achieving them!

I felt the need to expand upon this because it really has stirred something inside me... I guess it stirred up some anger. There are always going to be compromises in relationships, where to eat, what movie to watch, what car to purchase, but not your life's dreams and goals!

I work full time in Second Life as my career, therefore, 95% of the time I spend in SL is for work purposes. That being said, I also have wonderful friends in Second Life that I could just not do with out. The friends I speak to the most are the friends I also work with like Seth Regan (known in SL as Mankind Tracer), my best friend, who is my business partner and the musician I manage. Often times we will be talking about work or music and also life, kids, books etc. The friends I don't work with, I just am not able to keep up with as much, but I know most understand that while I may be logged into SL, it is not for recreation and when I have a moment here or there, I do message them or join them at a concert. They also know that they can message me because I have mad multitasking skills and can chat in IM with them while I have 4 or 5 IMs going. Response time might be a little slower but that is just how it is.

For the people who do not understand, I only offer you this.... if I had a tradition job, would you be upset if I couldn't talk often while I was at work?

My Second Life is far from typical and I don't expect everyone to “get it” but I do expect to be respected.

If someone wants to be part of my life in a dating capacity, I want them to be proud of the fact that I am driven and goal oriented. If they do not share my goals, I expect them to be supportive in the very least and understand that this is who I am and what I do. Just as I would be supportive of their career and help them any way possible. We should all expect this because if the person we are dating cannot be supportive or helpful in achieving our goals, who will be????

Sometimes you have to face facts that you and the person you are dating want different things and that is okay. I would rather know early on that the paths chosen for life do not match and be able to be friends than frustrate each other trying to make things work. I know I sure don't need the stress of that in my life.

I know people who are so in a hurry to find love that they lose sight of the fact that they need to find the RIGHT person to love. Love is not a race and you will not die from being alone. Take your time and let the right person find you. Cultivate healthy friendships that can give you companionship. This goes for Second Life and real life. I also, firmly believe that the very best relationships have great friendship as the foundation, so take time to get to know someone and find out if you even want the same things in life.

In Second Life we have the opportunity to meet and interact with people from all over which is great, however, those people also have a chance to hide behind an avatar and put their “best face forward”. It is even more important to get to know someone you are dating very well in SL. I encourage everyone to use voice or even webcam and Google search their name and before you meet in real life spend the money to do a back ground check. You can never be too cautious!

I guess what this all boils down to is, that if the person is the RIGHT person, SL or RL, they will be supportive of your dreams and want to be part of them, not try to derail them. Sometimes dreams and goals will change as you change and that is fine but your significant other should still be supportive and flexible.

We Are All A Little Weird Sometimes

Open Your Eyes & Look Around

Sometimes we feel like something is missing in our lives because we are single. Like some empty hole we are trying to fill but never quite manage to. There can be temporary fixes, throw sticks and leaves over to cover the hole, but it is still there and if we step on the cover we fall back in.

I think I have many time watched Second Life friends bouncing from one relationship to the next trying to fill that hole only to get satisfaction for a week or two but never really find what they are looking for.

This brings to mind some song lyrics:

Weird by Hanson:


Isn't it weird. Isn't it strange.
Even though we're just two strangers on this runaway train
We're both trying to find a place in the sun
We've lived in the shadows, but doesn't everyone
Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes
Isn't it hard. Standing in the rain.
You're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain
No one can hear though you're screaming so loud
You feel all alone in a faceless crowd
Isn't it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes.
Sitting on the side waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same.
When you live in a cookie cutter world being different is a sin.
So you don't stand out. But you don't fit in. Weird.
Sitting on the side waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same.
When you live in a cookie cutter world if you're different you can't win.
So you don't stand out but you don't fit in. Weird.
Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird
Strange, how we all get a little bit...
Strange, 'cause we're all just a little bit weird sometimes.

Watch the live performance here.


I think these lyrics really had SL in mind... we all have our eccentricities and quirks but in Second Life you might fit in where in real life you might feel weird for whatever reason. Second Life is a global environment with many subcultures. You might be a poet, a fantasy lover, a coder, a musician or any number of things and Second Life has others like you but even in SL you need to open your eyes to the things around you.
What you really might need could be staring you right in the face.

Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in love and happy endings and butterflies and poofy hearts, however, I don't think we can make those things happen by force. They have to happen naturally. The old expression "a watched pot never boils" is so true. If you go looking for love and jump from one person to the next, you are just watching your love pot that will never boil. When you stop looking for love and find fulfillment in the things around you then love might just find you.

Take stock of your friendships and see what they offer you. Many times friends are not only friends but they are companions and confidants. They are there for you through the good and the bad. Is there someone in your life that is not a romantic attachment that you couldn't do with out? Someone you share everything with? Someone who deals with your PMS, your break ups, your insecurities, celebrates with you, loves you inclusive of your flaws and holds your hand when you need it?

Take stock in what you have because you might not have that Snow White romance but you may have a friend who fills areas for you. So just chill out, fill your hole with the things you do have and stop worrying about what is missing because if you open your eyes and look around there might not be much missing.

Second Life Monogamy

Photo by Lauren Randolph 

A friend and I were sitting around about a year ago and talking about monogamy in Second Life. He came up with the term SLonogamy and then I defined it as : being with only one person at a time in Second Life on a romantic level, despite what your real life marital status is.

Yes, in SL it doesn't always matter what your real life marital status is because SL is viewed separately from real life. Married people come into Second Life a lot of times as an escape from the marriage they are unhappy with. That being said, I am not accepting or condemning this, I am just stating that it is done.

The focus on what I am writing is Second Life Monogamy so we will stick to that topic. I have noticed that in SL, polygamy is far more accepted than in RL. I think that in a place where you can change into a dragon, a mermaid, a pig that walks on hind legs or just about anything imaginable, people are more apt to accept multiple partners. 

I guess I am old fashioned because I believe in monogamy in SL and RL and if your relationship has the potential to move from SL to RL, then why would you not be monogamous in both places. I frequently run into men who are open about their polygamy or just say "I don't want a steady girlfriend" but they still want to be intimate. There are women out there that are the same way but since I am a woman, I can only speak from my perspective.

Ultimately it's each person's choice as to how to live their Second Life. I choose to be monogamous because I think more of myself than to be part of someone's line up. If someone thinks I am great, then they can be with only me. I really feel it is unfair to date many people at once because then you never really give any of them the chance to be "The One". If you do the "weeding out" method of dating several people at once to see who you are compatible with, how will you know if you have different personalities to consider. You can  like qualities from each person and pick apart their faults because tomorrow night you have another choice.

Even if you are upfront with these people you are seeing, don't you think one or more might get attached? What happens when they are online at the same time? I know I don't want to be snuggling in front of a movie and have the guy I'm seeing in IMs with another woman making plans for in a couple hours. During the rare moments that I have quiet time, I would like their full attention. In the end, if it's not a truly polygamist relationship, someone will get hurt.

I often hear the excuse of "I'm still hurting over my ex" so they don't want a relationship. Then DON'T DATE... don't get intimate with a woman until the time you feel you can offer her more than a one night stand or being part of a harem.A good woman, won't want to share and a great woman will walk away knowing they are too good to not be the one and only.

Ok... off my soapbox now... thanks for listening :)

Little Help From Your Friends

Brandy & Seth @ Club Graffiti

I am very fortunate to have some great friends in Second Life. During the past week that I have been dealing with my recent loss, my friends have been so supportive and caring. They have IMed me to see how I am and offer words of encouragement, they have offered to kick "his" butt for me, they have kept me distracted and have been overall wonderful. To all of these friends I want to thank you because with out you I might not have been able to rise above this so quickly. I love you guys!!

I still have my moments of course and unanswered questions but that is natural. I think that I will always have questions because things have been left with no closure but over time those questions will cease to be important.

I want to give a HUGE shout out and thank you to my very best friend, Seth Regan/Mankind Tracer in SL. He was there for me from the moment I found out that the now ex-boyfriend was a fraud. Seth has been so supportive and caring and I really do not know what I would do with out him. Since we became friends over a year and a half ago, Seth has been my rock!

If you are going through a rough patch, I encourage you to reach out to your friends. They can be the best support system you could ask for. Even if you don't live nearby, they can still be there for you to listen or distract or empathize.

Your friends do care about you and your well being. Sometimes opening up to people can be difficult, but in the end it is worth it because your real friends will care and be there for you. They also might have a similar story that you can relate to. The greatest thing about Second Life is the global community that we have and can have friends from all walks of life.

Open To The Possibilities

I just sat here for the last two hours watching a movie, well, letting a movie play while I thought about things. Particularly, I thought about my relationship with my boyfriend. I've had some lingering questions in my head that I really needed to come to terms with. So with kids in bed, no work I MUST complete and a movie for background noise I was able to just sit and think.

The thing I really came up with is that we need to allow ourselves to be open to the possibilities. I shut my heart away for a long time and just kept potential suitors at a distance. I put my heart behind a wall with armed guards because I was afraid. I was scared to death of being hurt again. After two marriages that didn't work, of course I wasn't ready yet to open up to the idea that someone could love me just as I am. I'm the single mom of 3 kids, I'm 36, struggling financially for various reasons, a bit emotionally scarred and stubborn. I was content for a long time to just love my kids and my work and focus on making a future for my kids and overcoming life's challenges.

What is that expression... we make plans and God laughs. Well, here I was hiding behind my wall and along comes a man. Someone I knew very casually for a long time but never really got to know, till one night we started talking. That conversation lead to another much longer conversation... hours and hours of talking and getting to know each other.After a time, I felt my wall dissolving slowly like when you put sugar in a pot with water and it melts. The armed guards up and left... damn deserters!

I found myself completely falling for this guy. We could talk non stop for hours on end about so many topics. We just clicked. Of course, things were not with out their challenges. We did this back and forth thing for a long time while we were trying to sort it all out. Drove me a bit mad but in the end I gave him one more chance. He didn't disappoint me, he showed up to be my Prince Charming. Things have been great since. I think we have just reached a place where we are able to speak each other's language and I know I cannot imagine my life with out him in it.

I think the biggest part for me was leaving myself open to the possibility that he could be my Prince Charming and giving him that chance. Yes, things started off a bit rough but we got through those bumps in the road. Trust me, several times I tried to rebuild the wall only for him to come around and knock it down again. I'm so pleased with the way things have turned out and he is an amazing man, so kind and loving and creative and yes, flawed, like we all are. However, he thinks my singing isn't horrible (love is deaf I guess), he encourages my endeavors, and he sees my flaws and loves me inclusive of them. I think he is a keeper.

The moral to this story boys and girls, take the time you need to heal, but don't let the scars hold you back. Keep yourself open to the possibilities. I was telling a dear friend earlier tonight, you are perfectly you, and someone will come along and love you for all the things that make you who you are. If the people you are meeting right now do not work out... they are just frogs and sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find your Prince!

As for the questions in my head I was thinking about... I am just going to leave them open to the possibilities and see what happens.