Angry Mom With Cancer

I'm angry, I'm really f&*king angry right now. 

This is my body and my life and I accept that I have challenges to go through to fight my cancer. I can take all this and move forward and keep going on with treatment and surrender more time in my life to make sure I have a life.

What I am pissed off about is that my kids have to suffer with me. My 16 year old who asks me 3-4 times a day “Mom are you ok?” or “How are you feeling?” While he is still excited to be able to get a job and take drivers ed in school, he worries about me. He shouldn't have to worry about his mother, he should be able to be the teenager he is and not carry with him the troubles of having a sick mother.

I'm angry because when I do try to do something special, like take them to the Renaissance Faire, we cannot do all the things we would like to do because I am having a bad health day. I push myself to try to make sure they do have some fun but end up leaving early having done only 1/2 the things we would have liked to do.

When my 8 year old asks about doing some activity, I hate saying “We will have to see how I feel that day.” I hate for them to miss out on stuff that young people should be able to do because I am sick.

This is the suckiest part of being a cancer patient. Not what you are going through because when it comes down to it, you get up every day and deal with the sickness and the pain and push on but my kids didn't sign up for that. My kids deserve to be able to be kids and have something close to normal.

I've tried as best I could to still take them places and do things that they want but often they don't get the full experience of whatever we do because I just cannot stand for that long or I am over whelming tired and pushed myself to even get there.

My kids have been amazingly understanding but they shouldn't need to be. They deserve some semblance of normal. I try as hard as I can to do all I can for them and try to make things as normal as possible but mostly it doesn't feel good enough. I push myself when I know I should probably be resting and I know there is no way to prevent the impact of my cancer on my kids but I try to keep it as controlled as I possibly can. I try to find activities to do that will not be as taxing on me but it just doesn't feel good enough.

The 8 year old starts soccer this week. I want to take him to every practice and every game and show him that I will be there for him. Make sure he knows he can count on me. I'm worried though as I will be heading back to treatment how I will manage this. When I signed him up, I didn't know and now I have to make the best of it.

I am angry because I want to be the mom my kids deserve, not the mom who is sick.

Sometimes The Answer Is No

I was inspired to write more about kids today. We all want our kids to have a better life than we had and for them to have every advantage possible. However, I think we need to be more realistic about what our kids actually NEED as opposed to WANT.

Our kids need our love, supervision, food, shelter, clothing and education. Those are very basic needs. I will even say that our kids need entertainment and friends. What is the point of working hard at school if they cannot also enjoy what life has to offer.

Then there are the wants and as a parent to 3 kids (2 of them teens), I can tell you, there is a LONG list of wants. Almost daily I hear from at least one of my kids, "Mom can you get me _________?" Fill in the blank with the latest toy, electronic or coolest clothing item.

As parents who love our kids, we don't want to see them denied the things they want but sometimes you have to say no.  For whatever reason, sometimes financial, sometimes to make our kids understand that they have to earn things or whatever your reason is, you have to reject their request.

I believe it is very good to say no to our kids when they ask for things. Especially if the item they want will cost more than $10. To some, $10 may not seem like much, to others it's a lot because they might be struggling financially. With the average American income being just over $47,000 a year, $10 here and there, adds up quickly. It might not even be a THING they want but it could be an outing that will cost more than $10. For those of various means, feel free to set the dollar amount at what is right for your family.

In saying no to something, a child will usually ask why. Take this opportunity to educate your children. Educate them on the costs of items and living expenses. It is easier to explain living expenses to older children but for the younger ones, use this chance to teach them about money and that just because you have a plastic card to slide through a machine, doesn't mean things are free.

Sometimes, you can deny your kid the latest gadget but give them a way to earn it. For the older kids, maybe something along the lines of... if I were to pay you $8 an hour (above the federal minimum wage of $7.25), how long would you have to work to earn what you want? For younger kids who wouldn't understand about minimum wage, you can tell them they have to do X to earn what they want (earn being the key word there).

In this way, you not only teach your kids about money and responsibility, you also give them a way that they can feel proud about earning what they want. It's very important to give kids the sense of self satisfaction of knowing they can do things and earn rewards.

Being a parent, I see kids all the time that have a huge sense of entitlement. They think that just because they exist that they deserve to be given what they want. I'm not saying this all lies in the hands of the parents, it also has to do with marketing to kids from companies.

What I would love to see is parents finding more ways to entertain kids for free or inexpensively.  Often there are community events that cost nothing or little to go to. Museums often have days that are free for city residents.

So I'm challenging you, if you have kids, to go right now and do some searching online or in the local newspaper to find things you can do with your kids that cost very little. In the end, it's not how much money we spend on the kids, it's how much love and time we can give them.