the real inspirations

I'm not a super woman.

Had to put that out there because often I get told that I am an inspiring person. I'm just a woman trying to deal with a bad situation in the only way I know how.

I have bad days. I don't go on my social media and post all about my aches and pains but they are there. Even as I sit here now typing, I am debating which anti-nausea med will work the best today. I tried to get a little bit done in the kitchen but after about 15 minutes I had to sit down because I was starting to feel woozy. I did manage to wash the dishes and they are air drying now.

This shit isn't easy. I have to go day by day and sometimes hour by hour to see how I feel and what I

can actually accomplish that day. Some days are very hard and I cannot do anything. I sleep the day away and hope the next day is better. Other times I am able to do a little housework or go to the store where I use the motorized carts because walking through a big store is too much for me. I get dizzy easily and need to sit because I am constantly fighting against low hemoglobin levels.

When I am having to be stuck by needles over and over because my veins are giving up on me, sometimes I want to scream.
There are many things that I don't complain about because I don't see the point. That doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else. There are a lot of people out there fighting their own battles with cancer, depression, Lyme disease, MS, CP or any number of things. We each have stuff going on in our lives that is a battle to each of us. Some people are not as public about it and that is okay.

I have chosen to share with you a part of my battle with cancer but I assure you, I am not inspiring. My personality dictates my choices and I've always been a fighter who doesn't let things defeat my spirit. There have been other things in my life that I have gone through just as, if not more, difficult as this and I am sure I will see more challenges in the future. Those too, I'm sure, I will face with the same stubborn determination that I have every other obstacle because that is who I am.

The real inspirations are my kids and you all. My children (ages 19,16 and 8) are a constant source of my fight and determination. No matter what a bad or good day I am having, it is them that keeps pushing me forward mentally. The desire to see them grow and become the amazing adults I know is inside them. Also, your support.... all of you who have read my blog, messaged me kind words, given to my fundraiser and generally shown me love and caring through this whole thing. With out you all, I would be much lonelier and scared but you all have been my rocks! You and my kids inspire me every day to keep moving forward and taking things as they come.

So while I cannot tell you what to do and think, I ask that you look to yourselves for inspiration because you inspire me. I'm just a woman trying to get through a rough time in her life the only way she knows how.

breath life

Here is my grand thought for today. As I await my CT Scan results, I have thought about life and death and sickness and health. I have decided that we are all going to die someday, there really is no getting around it and none of us know when the moment of our death will be.

I want to live like I am dying. I want to embrace life and try to do all the things I want to do. I have cancer and still I am in the same boat as everyone else, I have no clue when I am going to die. I believe it will be closer to when I am 94 instead of next year but ultimately I have no clue.

I want to work hard every day and make it as full as I possibly can. I want to build my business successfully not to have new things but to have better moments. Having a success business will give me the means to have those moments. I want to be able to support my kids and be able to secure their future and at the same time, give them new experiences to help them develop as people.

So often I see people go through life thinking there is always a tomorrow. They can take that weekend away with their family in a few months. They can spend more time with their kids tomorrow. They can wait on life insurance because they are young yet.

NO... don't wait, do it NOW. Live like you are going to die and make the most of your life right now. Forget about possessions that you cannot take with you. Spend time with people you love. Build that business you have always wanted. Take that weekend away with your family. Spend the afternoon finger painting with your kids NOW. You cannot take that new car to the grave with you, but your friends and your family can have beautiful memories of time spent with them. Your kids can appreciate that you planned for their future even after you are gone.

Having cancer has given me a unique perspective on life. I love life and I want to live as long as possible but I want to live each day like it could be my last and appreciate everything life has to offer.

Take chances, make mistakes, find something you love to do.

Don't just have a life, LIVE. Breath life until the day you cannot breath anymore.

Dear You

Dear You,

Hi it's me. I was going through some stuff this morning and found the basket from the first time you ever sent me flowers years ago. I don't attach sentiment to objects but I kept the basket thinking I could use it again because it was sturdy and nice. Seeing it today made me think.

It made me think about the good, the bad, the love, the hurt, the beauty and the ugly.

I started crying, big tears just rolled down my face as memories flooded my mind. I thought about adding the basket to my box of donation things but I couldn't do that. Maybe I am more sentimental than I thought. So I let it sit there not knowing what to do with it. Here this THING was, reminding me of you, bringing to memory things I wanted to keep tucked away.

It even ran through my thoughts to destroy it. Just stomp it and rip it apart like some thing to make my hurt go away but this basket was not the center of my hurt, it was just a THING. The hurt resides in my heart and I can't just destroy the THING and make my hurt stop. The only thing that will make the hurt go away is time.

So I will keep the basket. As I'm writing This letter I have decided that I will use the basket for something positive because when I got the flowers in the basket, it was a kind thing, a good thing.

Everyday for a month I am going to write a little note to myself of something positive that happened that day. I will put the notes in the basket and at the end of the month, I will sit down and read all the little notes from the month and remember that even on my bad days, something good happened.

My first note today will be "I found this basket and put it to a positive use."


Love Always,

Me

Bumps In The Road

I would never want to be the type of person who just gets handed things because of affluent parents.

My brother and I were raised by my grandparents since we were very little. My grandfather was a mechanic

Mine was grey but this is a '77 Sunbird.

and my grandmother was a homemaker. We were not rich at all. Most times we were on a very tight budget. Every weekend I remember going to yard sales and flea markets with them. We would take trips to Missouri  now and then to visit my grandfather's family. I never, and still have not, been to Disneyland. I didn't get a new car when I was 16. I got a 1977 Pontiac Sunbird that wasn't shiny but reliably and safely got me around. I worked and paid for my own gas and part of the car. I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

I've been through a lot in my life. Some major ups and downs... struggles and joys. I've had to work and fight for everything and often I think I should write a book about it all. I don't want to go into details now about it all but my close friends know some of it. Maybe someday I will write a book, who knows. However, now I am 38 ...39 is closing in fast... and I have cancer.

The big C ... I was surprised to say the least. However, I don't feel like I am going to die. I have no dread, no sadness, no fear. I just cannot wait to start feeling better. For the past little over a year I have been feeling fatigued after only a little activity, muscle weakness and aches, occasionally I have been overly emotional and sometimes unable to focus on tasks due to severe anemia the cancer was causing. It is uterine cancer and was causing irregular monthly cycles. Not too bad at first, an extra cycle here and there that I blew off as stress related. Then it got worse and I would only go a few days to a week between cycles. That is when the doctors had me start with tests and I was diagnosed. Even from the diagnosis date, I was only relieved to know what was wrong and that it could be treated.

Two and a half weeks ago I had a complete hysterectomy. It was done with the DaVinci Robot and my healing as been very quick. I wonder if the doctor makes "pew, pew, pew" noises when doing the surgery with the robot. "Commander, we have the Death Uterus in our sites, permission to fire lasers" Pew Pew Pew! I have been up and about since the night of surgery and while I was moving slower and was sore around the middle, I felt good.

Since surgery I was informed that they staged the cancer at a 3 and I will need chemo and then radiation. The doctor said I would lose my hair. So I cut 10 inches off to donate. Chemo will be starting in about 3 weeks once I am completely healed from surgery. I will totally rock a blue or pink wig!

People have messaged me to say how my positive attitude is inspiring but this is just me really. I've fought my way through my life, so really there is no other way I know how to be. I wish I could explain how to take a bad situation and look at the positive side and not be constantly depressed. If I knew how to explain it, I would happily for all the people out there who are depressed and feel like they are being pulled under. Don't get me wrong, I have a bad day now and then. It's allowed. Terrible stuff happens and we are allowed to feel bad about it, the key for me is that I allow myself to feel bad for a moment, an hour, a day and then I get over it. Something inside me says "F this cancer, you totally will get through this and be stronger after".

Maybe in having to fight and work hard for everything, I don't see limits only possibilities. I appreciate things because I've worked for them. I wouldn't go back and change any of the good or bad things I have been through because those things have taught me so much. My experiences have added to the story of my life. It's like the Train song "These bruises make for better conversation"

You Have No Power Over Me

I remember the last first time as a child when I saw the movie Labyrinth and the character Sarah got to the end of the movie and was face to face with the Goblin King and she was saying the lines from the play she had been rehearsing earlier in the movie and still couldn’t remember the last line.

Going over the lines again in her head (mostly), the final line dawned on her, “You have no power over me.”

This movie actually had very little to do with goblins and more to do with the journey young Sarah (a high school student) takes to find herself and her own personal power. Which is why I am writing about it now.

I think at different times in our lives we all need to remember how much personal power we have. We have the power over situations in our lives, even if it just means how we react to things. We have to face our own Goblin King.

We have the power to say no to that slice of cake.

We have the power to say “I won’t let that person’s bad attitude change me”

We have the power to say “No I won’t allow you to treat me so poorly”

Ultimately it is up to each of us to determine how we interact with people. If you feel you are not being treated fairly, then do something about it. Walk away from the situation or confront that person. If you are sad or depressed, take back your power from those feelings and don’t allow them to drag you down. I’m not saying to not feel things, I’m saying, grieve your loss, be sad for a little while or whatever feeling you are having but then take your personal power and pick yourself up again.

Often we feel trapped or stuck in a situation but we are only as stuck as we allow ourselves to be. These sort of things can be very difficult to deal with, especially when emotionally invested, but ultimately we are allowing them to happen.

Fear can be crippling and keep you somewhere that you should have been out of long ago. I cannot give you all the answers, the best I can do is tell you that you need to find your personal power. When you realize how strong you are, nothing can hold you back.

Open To The Possibilities

I just sat here for the last two hours watching a movie, well, letting a movie play while I thought about things. Particularly, I thought about my relationship with my boyfriend. I've had some lingering questions in my head that I really needed to come to terms with. So with kids in bed, no work I MUST complete and a movie for background noise I was able to just sit and think.

The thing I really came up with is that we need to allow ourselves to be open to the possibilities. I shut my heart away for a long time and just kept potential suitors at a distance. I put my heart behind a wall with armed guards because I was afraid. I was scared to death of being hurt again. After two marriages that didn't work, of course I wasn't ready yet to open up to the idea that someone could love me just as I am. I'm the single mom of 3 kids, I'm 36, struggling financially for various reasons, a bit emotionally scarred and stubborn. I was content for a long time to just love my kids and my work and focus on making a future for my kids and overcoming life's challenges.

What is that expression... we make plans and God laughs. Well, here I was hiding behind my wall and along comes a man. Someone I knew very casually for a long time but never really got to know, till one night we started talking. That conversation lead to another much longer conversation... hours and hours of talking and getting to know each other.After a time, I felt my wall dissolving slowly like when you put sugar in a pot with water and it melts. The armed guards up and left... damn deserters!

I found myself completely falling for this guy. We could talk non stop for hours on end about so many topics. We just clicked. Of course, things were not with out their challenges. We did this back and forth thing for a long time while we were trying to sort it all out. Drove me a bit mad but in the end I gave him one more chance. He didn't disappoint me, he showed up to be my Prince Charming. Things have been great since. I think we have just reached a place where we are able to speak each other's language and I know I cannot imagine my life with out him in it.

I think the biggest part for me was leaving myself open to the possibility that he could be my Prince Charming and giving him that chance. Yes, things started off a bit rough but we got through those bumps in the road. Trust me, several times I tried to rebuild the wall only for him to come around and knock it down again. I'm so pleased with the way things have turned out and he is an amazing man, so kind and loving and creative and yes, flawed, like we all are. However, he thinks my singing isn't horrible (love is deaf I guess), he encourages my endeavors, and he sees my flaws and loves me inclusive of them. I think he is a keeper.

The moral to this story boys and girls, take the time you need to heal, but don't let the scars hold you back. Keep yourself open to the possibilities. I was telling a dear friend earlier tonight, you are perfectly you, and someone will come along and love you for all the things that make you who you are. If the people you are meeting right now do not work out... they are just frogs and sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find your Prince!

As for the questions in my head I was thinking about... I am just going to leave them open to the possibilities and see what happens.