Dear You

Dear You,

Hi it's me. I was going through some stuff this morning and found the basket from the first time you ever sent me flowers years ago. I don't attach sentiment to objects but I kept the basket thinking I could use it again because it was sturdy and nice. Seeing it today made me think.

It made me think about the good, the bad, the love, the hurt, the beauty and the ugly.

I started crying, big tears just rolled down my face as memories flooded my mind. I thought about adding the basket to my box of donation things but I couldn't do that. Maybe I am more sentimental than I thought. So I let it sit there not knowing what to do with it. Here this THING was, reminding me of you, bringing to memory things I wanted to keep tucked away.

It even ran through my thoughts to destroy it. Just stomp it and rip it apart like some thing to make my hurt go away but this basket was not the center of my hurt, it was just a THING. The hurt resides in my heart and I can't just destroy the THING and make my hurt stop. The only thing that will make the hurt go away is time.

So I will keep the basket. As I'm writing This letter I have decided that I will use the basket for something positive because when I got the flowers in the basket, it was a kind thing, a good thing.

Everyday for a month I am going to write a little note to myself of something positive that happened that day. I will put the notes in the basket and at the end of the month, I will sit down and read all the little notes from the month and remember that even on my bad days, something good happened.

My first note today will be "I found this basket and put it to a positive use."


Love Always,

Me

Bumps In The Road

I would never want to be the type of person who just gets handed things because of affluent parents.

My brother and I were raised by my grandparents since we were very little. My grandfather was a mechanic

Mine was grey but this is a '77 Sunbird.

and my grandmother was a homemaker. We were not rich at all. Most times we were on a very tight budget. Every weekend I remember going to yard sales and flea markets with them. We would take trips to Missouri  now and then to visit my grandfather's family. I never, and still have not, been to Disneyland. I didn't get a new car when I was 16. I got a 1977 Pontiac Sunbird that wasn't shiny but reliably and safely got me around. I worked and paid for my own gas and part of the car. I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

I've been through a lot in my life. Some major ups and downs... struggles and joys. I've had to work and fight for everything and often I think I should write a book about it all. I don't want to go into details now about it all but my close friends know some of it. Maybe someday I will write a book, who knows. However, now I am 38 ...39 is closing in fast... and I have cancer.

The big C ... I was surprised to say the least. However, I don't feel like I am going to die. I have no dread, no sadness, no fear. I just cannot wait to start feeling better. For the past little over a year I have been feeling fatigued after only a little activity, muscle weakness and aches, occasionally I have been overly emotional and sometimes unable to focus on tasks due to severe anemia the cancer was causing. It is uterine cancer and was causing irregular monthly cycles. Not too bad at first, an extra cycle here and there that I blew off as stress related. Then it got worse and I would only go a few days to a week between cycles. That is when the doctors had me start with tests and I was diagnosed. Even from the diagnosis date, I was only relieved to know what was wrong and that it could be treated.

Two and a half weeks ago I had a complete hysterectomy. It was done with the DaVinci Robot and my healing as been very quick. I wonder if the doctor makes "pew, pew, pew" noises when doing the surgery with the robot. "Commander, we have the Death Uterus in our sites, permission to fire lasers" Pew Pew Pew! I have been up and about since the night of surgery and while I was moving slower and was sore around the middle, I felt good.

Since surgery I was informed that they staged the cancer at a 3 and I will need chemo and then radiation. The doctor said I would lose my hair. So I cut 10 inches off to donate. Chemo will be starting in about 3 weeks once I am completely healed from surgery. I will totally rock a blue or pink wig!

People have messaged me to say how my positive attitude is inspiring but this is just me really. I've fought my way through my life, so really there is no other way I know how to be. I wish I could explain how to take a bad situation and look at the positive side and not be constantly depressed. If I knew how to explain it, I would happily for all the people out there who are depressed and feel like they are being pulled under. Don't get me wrong, I have a bad day now and then. It's allowed. Terrible stuff happens and we are allowed to feel bad about it, the key for me is that I allow myself to feel bad for a moment, an hour, a day and then I get over it. Something inside me says "F this cancer, you totally will get through this and be stronger after".

Maybe in having to fight and work hard for everything, I don't see limits only possibilities. I appreciate things because I've worked for them. I wouldn't go back and change any of the good or bad things I have been through because those things have taught me so much. My experiences have added to the story of my life. It's like the Train song "These bruises make for better conversation"

Only The Positive People

Today I have my latest rant for you about unsupportive people. I have no place in my life for people who are trying to drag me down. I want positive people in my life and the people who are not, are being CUT!!!

"What got Brandy fired up?", you may ask.

Well, let me tell you!

My ex-husband called to speak with our son.  After they spoke, I chatted with him. I tried to share a few possible work directions I have going on in an attempt to be nice and social for my son's sake. For those of you who don't know me, I've been working from home for the past 3 years in Second Life and online.

As I was telling the ex about these work things he says,"You will do anything to not get a real job!"

A real job?!?! Like working from home is not a real job because I define my own schedule and don't have to punch a clock. Even more important to me is that I get to be here for my kids! Self employment isn't for everyone, but it works perfectly in my life.

 I hung up on him.

There have been other people in my life that have only served to drag me down too. I'm over it...those people are no longer welcome in my world. I'm the a supportive friend to people but it is very important that I feel supported by them too. Relationships should be give and take...not give give give till it hurts. The sort of people who never give back are just emotional vampires.

So from now on, only positive relationships for me. I'm not saying my friends have to be happy and cheery all the time, I know people have ups and downs and I will be there to support them. I just expect it to be a two way street. It's time for a spring cleaning! I'm not saying just dump people, but examine the relationship and see if it is one that is really healthy for you.

Having positive people in your life will make your days better. Period.

I have a few amazing supportive people in my life. They add so much richness to my day. Most of all my best friend, Seth. I've said it before but he is always there for me and I will always be there for him. Good and bad ... because that is real friendship.

He wrote this great song about friendship and being there for people.

We Are All A Little Weird Sometimes

Open Your Eyes & Look Around

Sometimes we feel like something is missing in our lives because we are single. Like some empty hole we are trying to fill but never quite manage to. There can be temporary fixes, throw sticks and leaves over to cover the hole, but it is still there and if we step on the cover we fall back in.

I think I have many time watched Second Life friends bouncing from one relationship to the next trying to fill that hole only to get satisfaction for a week or two but never really find what they are looking for.

This brings to mind some song lyrics:

Weird by Hanson:


Isn't it weird. Isn't it strange.
Even though we're just two strangers on this runaway train
We're both trying to find a place in the sun
We've lived in the shadows, but doesn't everyone
Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes
Isn't it hard. Standing in the rain.
You're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain
No one can hear though you're screaming so loud
You feel all alone in a faceless crowd
Isn't it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes.
Sitting on the side waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same.
When you live in a cookie cutter world being different is a sin.
So you don't stand out. But you don't fit in. Weird.
Sitting on the side waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same.
When you live in a cookie cutter world if you're different you can't win.
So you don't stand out but you don't fit in. Weird.
Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird
Strange, how we all get a little bit...
Strange, 'cause we're all just a little bit weird sometimes.

Watch the live performance here.


I think these lyrics really had SL in mind... we all have our eccentricities and quirks but in Second Life you might fit in where in real life you might feel weird for whatever reason. Second Life is a global environment with many subcultures. You might be a poet, a fantasy lover, a coder, a musician or any number of things and Second Life has others like you but even in SL you need to open your eyes to the things around you.
What you really might need could be staring you right in the face.

Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in love and happy endings and butterflies and poofy hearts, however, I don't think we can make those things happen by force. They have to happen naturally. The old expression "a watched pot never boils" is so true. If you go looking for love and jump from one person to the next, you are just watching your love pot that will never boil. When you stop looking for love and find fulfillment in the things around you then love might just find you.

Take stock of your friendships and see what they offer you. Many times friends are not only friends but they are companions and confidants. They are there for you through the good and the bad. Is there someone in your life that is not a romantic attachment that you couldn't do with out? Someone you share everything with? Someone who deals with your PMS, your break ups, your insecurities, celebrates with you, loves you inclusive of your flaws and holds your hand when you need it?

Take stock in what you have because you might not have that Snow White romance but you may have a friend who fills areas for you. So just chill out, fill your hole with the things you do have and stop worrying about what is missing because if you open your eyes and look around there might not be much missing.

Little Help From Your Friends

Brandy & Seth @ Club Graffiti

I am very fortunate to have some great friends in Second Life. During the past week that I have been dealing with my recent loss, my friends have been so supportive and caring. They have IMed me to see how I am and offer words of encouragement, they have offered to kick "his" butt for me, they have kept me distracted and have been overall wonderful. To all of these friends I want to thank you because with out you I might not have been able to rise above this so quickly. I love you guys!!

I still have my moments of course and unanswered questions but that is natural. I think that I will always have questions because things have been left with no closure but over time those questions will cease to be important.

I want to give a HUGE shout out and thank you to my very best friend, Seth Regan/Mankind Tracer in SL. He was there for me from the moment I found out that the now ex-boyfriend was a fraud. Seth has been so supportive and caring and I really do not know what I would do with out him. Since we became friends over a year and a half ago, Seth has been my rock!

If you are going through a rough patch, I encourage you to reach out to your friends. They can be the best support system you could ask for. Even if you don't live nearby, they can still be there for you to listen or distract or empathize.

Your friends do care about you and your well being. Sometimes opening up to people can be difficult, but in the end it is worth it because your real friends will care and be there for you. They also might have a similar story that you can relate to. The greatest thing about Second Life is the global community that we have and can have friends from all walks of life.