Sometimes The Answer Is No

I was inspired to write more about kids today. We all want our kids to have a better life than we had and for them to have every advantage possible. However, I think we need to be more realistic about what our kids actually NEED as opposed to WANT.

Our kids need our love, supervision, food, shelter, clothing and education. Those are very basic needs. I will even say that our kids need entertainment and friends. What is the point of working hard at school if they cannot also enjoy what life has to offer.

Then there are the wants and as a parent to 3 kids (2 of them teens), I can tell you, there is a LONG list of wants. Almost daily I hear from at least one of my kids, "Mom can you get me _________?" Fill in the blank with the latest toy, electronic or coolest clothing item.

As parents who love our kids, we don't want to see them denied the things they want but sometimes you have to say no.  For whatever reason, sometimes financial, sometimes to make our kids understand that they have to earn things or whatever your reason is, you have to reject their request.

I believe it is very good to say no to our kids when they ask for things. Especially if the item they want will cost more than $10. To some, $10 may not seem like much, to others it's a lot because they might be struggling financially. With the average American income being just over $47,000 a year, $10 here and there, adds up quickly. It might not even be a THING they want but it could be an outing that will cost more than $10. For those of various means, feel free to set the dollar amount at what is right for your family.

In saying no to something, a child will usually ask why. Take this opportunity to educate your children. Educate them on the costs of items and living expenses. It is easier to explain living expenses to older children but for the younger ones, use this chance to teach them about money and that just because you have a plastic card to slide through a machine, doesn't mean things are free.

Sometimes, you can deny your kid the latest gadget but give them a way to earn it. For the older kids, maybe something along the lines of... if I were to pay you $8 an hour (above the federal minimum wage of $7.25), how long would you have to work to earn what you want? For younger kids who wouldn't understand about minimum wage, you can tell them they have to do X to earn what they want (earn being the key word there).

In this way, you not only teach your kids about money and responsibility, you also give them a way that they can feel proud about earning what they want. It's very important to give kids the sense of self satisfaction of knowing they can do things and earn rewards.

Being a parent, I see kids all the time that have a huge sense of entitlement. They think that just because they exist that they deserve to be given what they want. I'm not saying this all lies in the hands of the parents, it also has to do with marketing to kids from companies.

What I would love to see is parents finding more ways to entertain kids for free or inexpensively.  Often there are community events that cost nothing or little to go to. Museums often have days that are free for city residents.

So I'm challenging you, if you have kids, to go right now and do some searching online or in the local newspaper to find things you can do with your kids that cost very little. In the end, it's not how much money we spend on the kids, it's how much love and time we can give them.

Sock Puppets and Quality Time

I have three children, ages 16,13 and 6 (girl, boy, boy), who are my heart and soul. I've been very fortunate to be able to work from home for the past 3 years, allowing me more time with my kids than someone who might work a more traditional job. My daily schedule allows for some flexibility for doctor appointments, being home with sick kids and being here when they get home from school. If you have the discipline to work from home, do it!

Van and the sock puppets we made.

I've always felt that kids have to grow up too fast. I've always tried to monitor what they are exposed to, so they don't have to grow up any quicker. I preview TV shows and movies, avoid toys that I think send the wrong message and have tried to raise my kids with the same old fashioned morals and values that my grandparents instilled in me.One of the lessons that is very important to me to impart on my kids, is that a good time doesn't have to cost a lot of money. I try to find things to do with the kids that are free or cheap and make it a lot of fun. 
Recently my youngest and I took old socks and a couple of dollars of googly eyes, colorful pipe cleaners and craft glue and made sock puppets. We didn't stop at just making them, we also gave them names and personalities. He was thrilled and played with the sock puppets for days.
He loves watching what I do on the computer. One thing I do with him sometimes is wear a dragon avatar in Second Life and let him fly around the sim. It is very entertaining for him and me but it also gives us time to bond over technology.
There are so many things you can do that takes more time than money! I really encourage you to just do a Google search for things like "Free Activities for Kids" or "Cheap Kids Projects". Put away the credit card and just spend time with your kid doing something fun. That is the thing they really want the most, your time.

Open To The Possibilities

I just sat here for the last two hours watching a movie, well, letting a movie play while I thought about things. Particularly, I thought about my relationship with my boyfriend. I've had some lingering questions in my head that I really needed to come to terms with. So with kids in bed, no work I MUST complete and a movie for background noise I was able to just sit and think.

The thing I really came up with is that we need to allow ourselves to be open to the possibilities. I shut my heart away for a long time and just kept potential suitors at a distance. I put my heart behind a wall with armed guards because I was afraid. I was scared to death of being hurt again. After two marriages that didn't work, of course I wasn't ready yet to open up to the idea that someone could love me just as I am. I'm the single mom of 3 kids, I'm 36, struggling financially for various reasons, a bit emotionally scarred and stubborn. I was content for a long time to just love my kids and my work and focus on making a future for my kids and overcoming life's challenges.

What is that expression... we make plans and God laughs. Well, here I was hiding behind my wall and along comes a man. Someone I knew very casually for a long time but never really got to know, till one night we started talking. That conversation lead to another much longer conversation... hours and hours of talking and getting to know each other.After a time, I felt my wall dissolving slowly like when you put sugar in a pot with water and it melts. The armed guards up and left... damn deserters!

I found myself completely falling for this guy. We could talk non stop for hours on end about so many topics. We just clicked. Of course, things were not with out their challenges. We did this back and forth thing for a long time while we were trying to sort it all out. Drove me a bit mad but in the end I gave him one more chance. He didn't disappoint me, he showed up to be my Prince Charming. Things have been great since. I think we have just reached a place where we are able to speak each other's language and I know I cannot imagine my life with out him in it.

I think the biggest part for me was leaving myself open to the possibility that he could be my Prince Charming and giving him that chance. Yes, things started off a bit rough but we got through those bumps in the road. Trust me, several times I tried to rebuild the wall only for him to come around and knock it down again. I'm so pleased with the way things have turned out and he is an amazing man, so kind and loving and creative and yes, flawed, like we all are. However, he thinks my singing isn't horrible (love is deaf I guess), he encourages my endeavors, and he sees my flaws and loves me inclusive of them. I think he is a keeper.

The moral to this story boys and girls, take the time you need to heal, but don't let the scars hold you back. Keep yourself open to the possibilities. I was telling a dear friend earlier tonight, you are perfectly you, and someone will come along and love you for all the things that make you who you are. If the people you are meeting right now do not work out... they are just frogs and sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find your Prince!

As for the questions in my head I was thinking about... I am just going to leave them open to the possibilities and see what happens.