I'm angry, I'm really f&*king angry right now.
This is my body and my life and I accept that I have challenges to go through to fight my cancer. I can take all this and move forward and keep going on with treatment and surrender more time in my life to make sure I have a life.
What I am pissed off about is that my kids have to suffer with me. My 16 year old who asks me 3-4 times a day “Mom are you ok?” or “How are you feeling?” While he is still excited to be able to get a job and take drivers ed in school, he worries about me. He shouldn't have to worry about his mother, he should be able to be the teenager he is and not carry with him the troubles of having a sick mother.
I'm angry because when I do try to do something special, like take them to the Renaissance Faire, we cannot do all the things we would like to do because I am having a bad health day. I push myself to try to make sure they do have some fun but end up leaving early having done only 1/2 the things we would have liked to do.
When my 8 year old asks about doing some activity, I hate saying “We will have to see how I feel that day.” I hate for them to miss out on stuff that young people should be able to do because I am sick.
This is the suckiest part of being a cancer patient. Not what you are going through because when it comes down to it, you get up every day and deal with the sickness and the pain and push on but my kids didn't sign up for that. My kids deserve to be able to be kids and have something close to normal.
I've tried as best I could to still take them places and do things that they want but often they don't get the full experience of whatever we do because I just cannot stand for that long or I am over whelming tired and pushed myself to even get there.
My kids have been amazingly understanding but they shouldn't need to be. They deserve some semblance of normal. I try as hard as I can to do all I can for them and try to make things as normal as possible but mostly it doesn't feel good enough. I push myself when I know I should probably be resting and I know there is no way to prevent the impact of my cancer on my kids but I try to keep it as controlled as I possibly can. I try to find activities to do that will not be as taxing on me but it just doesn't feel good enough.
The 8 year old starts soccer this week. I want to take him to every practice and every game and show him that I will be there for him. Make sure he knows he can count on me. I'm worried though as I will be heading back to treatment how I will manage this. When I signed him up, I didn't know and now I have to make the best of it.
I am angry because I want to be the mom my kids deserve, not the mom who is sick.